Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Hindus worship elves
They also have celebrations where they roll in cow dung and urine. I know it because government-approved school materials tell me so and my government would never lie to me. Other things that I know because my government, which is always right and never lies to me, tells me: the dots on Hindus' foreheads is a caste mark, rather than simply signifying that they are Hindu (and, for women, marital status). Columbus started off from Portugal. Elephant vocal sounds occur at about 400 Hz and can't be heard by humans. And Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. And no torture occurs in U.S. prison camps. I know this because my government never lies to me.
I am thankful to my government for removing from me that nasty need to "think" and filling my head with only the best of information. Because my government wants only the best for me, I am sure that this is all for the good of the nation. Thanks be to our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush, and His holy administration! My life has been so much better since I accepted George W. Bush as my personal Lord and Savior and let Him into my heart! I've had my sins washed away in the Blood of the Lamb who died in His place in Vietnam, and have been saved, saved I say! Oh, it just feels SO good to not have to hurt my head with that "thinking" stuff anymore. Now I can join my fellow true believers on Free Republic and never have to think again, glory hallaleujah, AMEN!
-- Badtux the Newly-Converted Freeper Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/31/2005 08:17:00 AM
My name is Badtux, and I am an addict.
My addiction is not to drugs, or alcohol, or food, or gambling, or anything else you may be thinking of. No, my addiction is far more expensive: I am addicted to new cars.
Here is what I have owned over the past ten years:
The Ranger flipped and was totalled when the swing-arm "Twin I-Beam" suspension tucked in while trying to avoid a deer. I lived on a farm at the time and needed a truck, so I bought a really rough farm truck, and then bought the Aspire for the 110-mile daily commute. The Aspire, alas, merely aspired to be a real car (although I must admit that the 35+mpg would sure be nice today!), being horrendously slow, rough-riding, noisy, and cramped, with a top speed of maybe 50mph on Western grades even if you downshifted to 4th gear and floored it. When I got a big bonus for delivering a program on-time (not to mention that by this time I was no longer commuting 110 miles a day, and was making considerably more money), I looked at what was available, looked at what my next move might be (i.e., to Colorado snow country), and bought the Forester. The Forester, alas, proved to be expensive and fragile, albeit it was a technological marvel and drove like a dream. When I bought an older house and started renovating it, I needed a truck again to haul construction materials and tow construction equipment. I bought the S-10 because of the small trucks available, it had the most towing capacity (other than the Dodge Dakota V-8, which had a large-truck price), the largest bed capacity, the lowest overall height (important for handling stability), and the most powerful V-6 engine, as well as being the cheapest.
- 1995 Ford Ranger
- 1996 Ford Aspire
- 2000 Subaru Forester
- 2003 Chevrolet S-10
I sold the house because I had to move due to my job, so I don't use the truck as a truck anymore. In fact, it mostly just sits under its shed, looking sad, because it sucks gas like a warblogger inhales Twinkies, and I mostly drive my motorcycle instead. Not to mention that it has a 122-inch wheelbase and is 18 feet long (barely fits in a standard garage) and thus is horrendously difficult to park in a big city.
Recently my mother and stepfather came to visit, with her 1995 Honda Civic with 150,000 miles on it. Since my truck obviously isn't up to hauling three people around, I hauled her around in the Civic. Even with 150,000 miles, the thing handled so crisply and accelerated and shifted with such verve that my truck felt like a friggin' 18-wheeler by comparison. Oh sure, if I wanted to tow a 5,000 pound trailer, pull a stump out of the ground, haul a load of cinder blocks, or otherwise do truck things, the S-10 is a wonderful truck. It has a fun factor, however, of approximately zero, and just isn't practical in the city. Especially in a city where the price of unleaded still averages over $2.50 per gallon and the thing sucks it down at 14 miles per gallon.
The only good news is that because all the truck does is sit, it doesn't have many miles on it and is in very good condition and thus if I sell or trade it in, I can get a good price for it, enough to pay it off. But the next rainy season starts in three months, then I have to drive the thing again (while I have good rain gear, I really prefer *not* to ride my motorcycle in the rain).
Thus my addiction. What car should I look for next? Requirements: Has to be fun yet practical. Has to be able to haul me and a female friend and a lot of camping gear on graded gravel roads (no off-road stuff, but traction is useful here). Has to get decent gas mileage (20+ in the city). Prefer it to be roomy enough to carry a fair amount of stuff, at least as roomy as my old Forester was. Prefer a station-wagon or SUV-like shape with a hatchback since that's most practical. Prefer it to be under $20K.
What I've ruled out: Mini Cooper. Too low-slung. Really, really fun, but not the ideal car for blitzing down gravel roads. Toyota Prius. Aside from the waiting list, it can't be fitted with a tow hitch, and while my Trailer In A Bag and motorcycle add up to a whoppin' 500 pounds and thus can be towed by pretty much anything, you gotta have a tow hitch to do it!
What I've not ruled out: Seeing how my mother's Honda behaves with 150,000 miles makes me yearn for a Honda. However, I'm not enamored of Honda's styling, which is bland and, well, corporate. Plus their prices have become quite unreasonable. The Honda Element is non-bland and reasonably priced, though, so that's a strong possibility.
Toyota RAV-4: Blank, bland, bland. Bleh. But drives well.
Used 4-cylinder convertible Geo Tracker or Suzuki Sidekick. Not very practical -- slow, convertible top loud in the wind, etc. -- but really fun, and so tiny that they can park anywhere in the city that a car can park and some places you'd swear a car could NOT park. Too bad they're not sold new anymore.
Any other suggestions for what a penguin with special needs should be driving? Or should I just buck it up and keep feeding fuel to the S-10?
-- Badtux the Addicted Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/31/2005 12:23:00 AM
Monday, May 30, 2005
Today is a day for remembering those who have died in defense of their country.
But there is another group of men and, now, women, that we should remember on this day. This group of men and women is growing every day now. I am talking about, of course, the many American soldiers who have died not to protect us, but to feed the egos of small and evil men.
I find it hard to believe in God, for these soldiers are dead, while the slime who threw away their lives for the most petty of reasons are still alive or, if dead, died peaceably of old age. If there were a just God, LBJ would have been struck down by lightning the day he walked onto the television stage and lied America into a war we had no business fighting, and George W. Bush would have been turned into a pile of steaming ashes somewhere in 1968 when he used his father's political connections to dodge the draft by taking the National Guard slot of the man who died in his place in Vietnam. But George W. Bush will die in his sleep as an old man, as did LBJ. TANJ, indeed...
If the God that the President talks to endorses what Bush has done, that is not a God that I wish to worship. I prefer the Great Penguin if that's true. At least the Great Penguin merely demands that his subjects sacrifice herring to His holy rotundness and embrace their Inner Penguin, rather than requiring the blood of brave American boys and girls as the sacrifice to His holy eminence.
-- Badtux the Remembering Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/30/2005 01:28:00 AM
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Go make Michelle Malkin cry
Buy Dave Neiwert's new book, entitled Strawberry Days: How Internment Destroyed a Japanese American Community, which details how a community of Japanese-Americans was rounded up, shipped off, and their land stolen and all attempts to reclaim the land rebuffed by racist whites after the war was over.
Let's all buy it and make Michelle Malkin cry. And read the rest of Neiwert's books and his blog too. He details some dark, dark corners of the American psyche with an ace investigative reporter's eye and a historian's attention to detail. His stuff is well sourced, accurate, and 100% better than the nonsensical stuff coming out of the right-wing noise machine.
-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Hat tip to Archie the Blogging Cockroach for the news that Neiwert's new book finally hit the presses.
Posted by: BadTux / 5/29/2005 09:58:00 PM
Playing in the Penguin Lair...
Predictions that come true: H.L. Mencken wrote this sometime in the 1920's, I believe:
"The larger the mob, the harder the test. In small areas, before small electorates, a first-rate man occasionally fights his way through, carrying even the mob with him by force of his personality. But when the field is nationwide, and the fight must be waged chiefly at second and third hand, and the force of personality cannot so readily make itself felt, then all the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the most devious and mediocre -- the man who can most easily adeptly disperse the notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum.
"The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
So it is. So it is.
-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/29/2005 08:20:00 PM
Friday, May 27, 2005
The Corndog Cometh
Somehow, from some other blog, I managed to open the NRO page in a new window. I was not finished reading the other blog, so clicked the other blog's window to bring it back on top and kept reading. When finished, I closed that window... and wondered, "Why am I looking at the National Review Online's page?" After spending several minutes scanning several of the articles looking for the one that the blog I came from must have linked to, I realized: "Hold it, this isn't the National Review Online, this is a PARODY of the National Review Online!"
I guess that just goes to show that parodying the National Review Online is a redundant task. I mean, how could you tell the difference between the parody and the real thing, anyhow?
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/27/2005 12:44:00 PM
That's one hot burger!
The Puritan Television Council is outraged. In the new commercial for Carl's Jr.'s new hamburger, the Million Dollar Spicy BBQ Burger, PTC's spokesman, Mrs. Melissa Coldwell, frigidly complains that the burger appears to be NAKED on the television screen. "This is soft-core porn!" she vehemently exclaims, especially noting the burger's vicinity to a sexy-looking naked car being soaped down on the television screen, and the fact that the burger is being bitten like a sex kitten being attacked by porn star Dirk Dagger.
A Carl's Jr. spokesperson contacted by this reporter seemed blase' about the accusations. "Sure, the burger is hot and sexy. So? That's what our young studly male customers want -- a hot sexy burger to nibble on and relish!"
Upon being informed that Carl's Jr. had no plans of backing down, Mrs. Coldwell, after a session of sputtering and gasping for breath at the affrontery of anybody refusing to back down to the Puritan Television Council, said that her next step would be to mobilize the forces of her million-plus brown-shirt-clad members to lobby the FCC to ban the commercials. "We must protect our children from these sexy hamburgers!" she exclaimed, hyperventilating and occasionally puffing on an inhaler. "Even if it takes jack-booted goons with guns to do it, nothing is more important than protecting our children from anything that might offend their innocent eyes!"
This reporter interviewed an 11 year old and asked him what sex was. "Well, a boy and a girl, they lie down. And the boy sticks his dingus into the girl's front. And it's FUN!" At this he grinned broadly. When asked what he thought about Mrs. Coldwell trying to protect him from sexy burgers, he said "That's stupid!"
Oh, Parish Hilton was in the commercial too. It is unknown whether Mrs. Coldwell noticed this, fixated as she was on that hot, juicy burger as it dribbled juices down the chin of the person eating it like a hot stud engaged in messy fellatio to a nubile young woman...
-- Badtux the Pornographic Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/27/2005 09:08:00 AM
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Thursday Penguin Porn Blogging (Orwell edition)
This post appeared on Thursday, May 26, 2005. If you looked at this site on Thursday, May 26, 2005, and did not see this post, it is your fallible memory that is at fault. 2+2=4. Except when it is 3, or 5, or 3,4, and 5 all at once. War is peace. Tyranny is freedom. Death is liberation. Welcome to 1984+21. Please view these African beauties and not notice the fact that, National Geographic style, they are topless, indeed, naked.
-- Badtux the Orwellian Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/26/2005 08:50:00 AM
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Support the troops
Unless you're a Republican congressman, in which case you say screw the troops.
-- Badtux the "Hypocrisy? Republicans? NAAWWWW!" Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/25/2005 06:52:00 AM
Woohoo, another jihadi dead!
Woohoo, another jihadi dead! Why, sure, she was just four years old, but a four-year old can pull the trigger on an AK-47 too, y'know! Why, if us good patriotic Americans didn't bankrupt ourselves paying taxes to support killing little Iraqi children, those little Iraqi children would KILL US ALL!
-- Badtux the Freeper Penguin
PS: We are *SO* damned to Hell, and I ain't talkin' Hell, Arizona, either...
Posted by: BadTux / 5/25/2005 12:21:00 AM
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
How's Warblogger Appreciation Month going?
As I reported earlier this month, May is Warblogger Appreciation Month, a month in celebration of warbloggers and the only sex they ever get in their citadels in their mother's basements. So what are they up to?
Doughy Pantsload (Jonah Goldberg): Apparently kidnapped by aliens who cloned him. Unfortunately, all that pusillant dough caused the alien flying saucer to explode, returning more doughy pantsload to Earth than was kidnapped in the first place.
Josh Trevino ("Tacitus"): Flaps his feathers and goes "cluck cluck cluck cluck CLUUUCK!" when confronted with the question "if you support the war so much, why don't you enlist?". Last seen hiding behind the washing machine in his mother's basement, whimpering in fear that some mean liberal was going to hunt him down and force him to leave his momma's basement and go into, like, DAYLIGHT, and get SHOT AT.
Confused Wanna-be-White Dude (Adam Yoshida) is shuddering in fear of slanty-eyed Asians and was last spotted sobbing, curled up in the fetal position in a corner of his mother's basement, because someone hurt his feelings by pointing out that *he* was a slanty-eyed Asian...
Preznit Horse Wanker was last spotted hiding under the desk in his daddy's old office, whimpering to Karl Rove, they're being defeated, and that's why they fight, right? At the last cabinet meeting, Donald Rumsfeld made Preznit Horse Wanker cry by saying that, because the Preznit hadn't fulfilled his National Guard committment, Donald was activating him and sending him to Iraq. Since then, nobody has been able to get Georgie out from under Daddy's desk.
So how is YOUR favorite warblogger celebrating Warblogger Appreciation Month? And has anybody asked him yet, "Why aren't you in Iraq?" Leave comments below. This penguin doesn't really want to know, but has a strange compulsion anyhow, perhaps somewhat like the compulsion that leads lemmings headlong over a cliff. The horror, oh the horror! The pusilent trembling pale flabby biceps with the tattoo of the Pilsbury Doughboy, the mascot of the 101st Fighting keyboarders! The dazzling flights of illogic and made-up "facts"! The stench of unwashed warblogger that hasn't left Mommy's basement since 9/11! Oh the horror!
-- Badtux the "Strangely fascinated by horror movies" Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/24/2005 12:46:00 AM
Monday, May 23, 2005
Spanking, sex, and red state fundamentalism
Skippy the Bush Kangaroo asks, "What is wrong with these religious fundamentalists?". It seems that the right wing nuts have a bad habit of pronging their kids, as has been shown over and over again. And nobody should be surprised -- the whole foundation of these nutballs' notion of "discipline" is repressed sexuality expressed as sado-masochism.
Sexual abuse of this type is a natural result of the way that the fundys raise their kids. Their kids grow up believing that it is their duty to be absolutely obedient and subservient to their parents and pastor/priest, and that it is okay for their parents and pastor/priest to touch them in any way necessary to discipline them. Spanking the bare buttocks with the hands is a common disciplinary method, I will leave it to you to imagine the sexual context thereof and how easily it is that their parents and/or pastor/priest can move from the sado-masochism of spanking the bare buttocks to more explicit sexual acts.
My suspicion is that the reason why every fundamentalist that I've encountered in my life is, excuse my language, stone-ass crazy, is because of all this hidden sexual abuse in their childhood. Thus the reason why they are so warped when it comes to sex, to the point of trying to outlaw various sexual acts between consenting adults. These are some sick puppies, and we aren't doing them any favor by treating them as if they were sane adults. They're not. They are, excuse my language, fuckin' nuts. Literally.
-- Badtux the Red-State Refugee Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/23/2005 09:49:00 PM
Let's go NOO-coo-lar!
Yessiree, the North Koreans are doin' nukes. The Iranians is doin' nooks. Hell, even Chavez down in Venezuela wants to do nukes, and Brazil is enriching uranium. So with the threat of a radioactive planet growing by the minute, what is the Senate of the United States doing? Why, that's simple: They're going nuclear too.
Does this mean that Washington D.C. is going to become a radioactive wasteland? What, you thought it wasn't, already? The big reason to keep the filibuster is because it slows down the making of laws. Now, making laws is sort of like making sausage. Sometimes we like the results, but I suspect the majority of us here really do NOT want to see how a sausage plant operates. And truly, the results typically are not so great anyhow. Sausage are bad for you, full of grease and fat and stuff you don't want to know about. Same deal with most laws.
In case you have't figured it out, I'm all for anything that slows down the making of laws. The way I figure it, we need maybe three or four laws a year passed to protect us from new ways that people have figured out for ripping us off, and then a few budget laws for the military and social services and such, and that's pretty much it. The current situation, where we pass so many laws that Congressmen can't even read them all before voting on them, is just plain ludicrous. I mean, do you think any Congressman read the Patriot Act, all ten inch stack of paper of it, before voting on it? When it was presented to them six hours before the vote? Puh-LEEZE!
Now, if the Democrats *REALLY* want to go nuclear, they should promise to filibuster every day for the rest of the legislative session until the right to filibuster is acknowledged by Frist the Cat Killer and his cronies. Not only would this be a threat that would make the Republican neo-con big government lackeys whine in pain since they'd be unable to pass their borrow-and-spend big government agenda, but it'd also have one very big benefit for the American people: as Will Rogers put it, "This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. Something is going to get smashed." If Congress is frozen in place, why, less stuff gets smashed!
Problem is, this would require guts, party unity, and organization on the part of the Democrats. And as Will Rogers *also* remarked, "I am a member of no organized party. I am a Democrat".
So anyhow, as we all contemplate the virtues of glowing in the dark thanks to North Korean, Iranian, Venezuelan, and Brazilian nukes, let us contemplate the virtues of *Congress* glowing in the dark... at the very least, without budget authority, Preznit Horse Wanker isn't going to be able to do more stuff to piss these folks off. Oh sure, there'd be some issues when disabled folks no longer get their disability checks, VA hospitals close for lack of money to pay their workers, and the Army runs out of bullets because they can't pay their suppliers, but really, I think we can make some SMALL exceptions to the glow-in-the-dark strategy. But once those exceptions are made... filibuster high, filibuster low, filibuster by day, filibuster by night, filibuster until the Cat Killer screams, Senator Reid! Let's watch Washington D.C. *GLOW* in that noo-coo-lar light, yessireee!
-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/23/2005 11:12:00 AM
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Free stress tests!
So I'm wandering around the mall looking for the futon store, and there's these earnest looking young people pitching a "free stress test" on a little-used cross corridor where they'd been exiled by mall management. They have a big pile of books by a science fiction writer turned self improvement guru turned religious leader behind them, so it doesn't take ten milliseconds to figure out what cult they're with and what their con is (said "stress test" always says you're stressed out and need to join their cult to get relief).
So I'm a bored penguin, the futon store is not looking like it's anywhere near, and I say to them, "Your publisher misprinted a word in the title on your books, it should say 'Dietetics'."
The earnest young girl says "Huh?" and I point to the word. "Sure, Dietetics, the science of better digestive health through scientific application of herring technology. Sure-fired cure for stress! You guys ARE with the Church of Tuxology, right?"
"Are you sure? You're sure you don't worship the Great Penguin, Tux, who created the heavens and the earth?"
"Sure! The Great Penguin created intelligent life on Earth, which then devolved from the rotund waddling perfection of penguinhood into the bizarre beast called 'mankind'. But if you embrace your inner penguin, you, too, can find perfect peace and joy!"
"Are you sure you don't want to take our stress test? You look a little stressed."
"Oh, no, I'm not stressed at all, because I just came from participating in the Sacrament of the Herring at the local Ice Cathedral and had all my woes washed away in the perfection of the Great Penguin! Say, you know, you're looking a little stressed yourself. Would you like to come down to the Ice Cathedral at the next low tide and see exactly what Tuxology can do for you?"
At this point I can see these young people thinking, "Is this guy nuts?" Mixed with, "Is this guy making fun of us?" It's making their heads hurt! So I flip'em my business card (the one with the "Supreme Poobah, Church of Tuxology" on it), and tell'em, "Well, give it a shot. What can it hurt? Improving your digestive and mental health is always a good thing!" And I go on my way, leaving them looking very puzzled.
I wonder, though: Should I perhaps warn the proprietors of the local ice skating rink that he is about to have a group of very confused young people show up? For that was the address on said business card (printed on my ink jet printer, nachurally!).
Nawww... they went back to selling their books (rhymes with "Dietetics") and forgot all about me within ten minutes. Oh well, improved digestive health just doesn't seem to be a priority with Americans today, which is a darned shame -- if Americans were just a little less anal, maybe they could have some fun without having to engage in pulping to do it.
-- Badtux the Tuxologist Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/22/2005 01:48:00 AM
Saturday, May 21, 2005
What happens if we leave Iraq *now*?
Even many of those who opposed the war in Iraq now claim we must "stay the course" because if we leave "there will be civil war". I don't buy it. That sounds like an excuse, not like reality.
I've heard all sorts of dire predictions of what happens in Iraq if we just pick up and leave. I consider all those predictions to be so much bull****. Iraq is not Somalia, filled with ignorant tribesmen. Iraq is a civilized, well-educated country with enough natural resources to sustain its citizens. The reality is more likely to be similar to what happened the *last* time we toppled the government of Iraq -- and left. After about a week of chaos, one strongman managed to accumulate enough support in order to take charge, and he swiftly put the majority of the country in order, other than the northern Kurdish portion which even today is a de-facto "Kurdistan". He did this by playing off the various factions against each other, giving the Shia some special priviliges that they didn't previously have such as the right to run their own religious schools for girls, giving the tribes autonomy over civil matters in their areas, etc. as well as by judicious application of force where necessary, Oh sure, he probably killed 100,000 Iraqis in the process, but we've killed that many Iraqis too, and we haven't even restored order, and are nowhere near even *attempting* the complicated balancing act that kept that strongman, Saddam Hussein, unsteadily perched on top of that powder keg for close to 10 years after we toppled him the first time.
In short, I don't believe there's going to be a civil war in Iraq, other than perhaps on the same lines as happened in Saddam's time (i.e., the Kurds get their Kurdistan up in the north, and the Shia and Sunni come to an arrangement in the south). If we pulled out today there'd be a lot of bloodshed for a couple of months -- Saddam killed maybe 100K people last time we did that -- but sooner or later, a "Saddam Lite" would step up and restore order and everybody in Iraq, at least, would breathe a sigh of relief.
Of course that would be the end of the neo-cons dream of democracy in Iraq, so they're going to fight it tooth and nail, but in my opinion the neocons have already proven it's impossible to impose democracy at gunpoint -- it's time to just get out and let the Iraqis handle what's of interest to the Iraqis, only intervening if our own national interests are at issue. A people has to be ready for democracy before democracy is possible. As the United States proves, not all nations have a population that is ready or willing to do what it takes to create and/or maintain a working democracy, and all that happens if you try to impose it at gunpoint is a lot of dead people.
The end result is the same, anyhow. The Iraqis are, in the end going to detirmine what form of government they have in their country, no matter how much we attempt to impose a government at gunpoint. All we're doing is prolonging the bloodshed.
-- Badtux the Realist Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/21/2005 11:17:00 AM
Friday, May 20, 2005
Give 'till it hurts
http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/. Give till it hurts. They already did.
- Badtux the Patriotic Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/20/2005 11:25:00 PM
Friday Cat Killer Blogging
Howdy, Bubba the Southern Penguin here, with Friday Cat Killer Bloggin' starring Senator Bill Frist! Sorry I didn't get 'roundbouts here last week, see, I was barbecuing the week before, and Darlene just *INSISTED* on grillin' some vegetables. Imagine that, grilling VEGETABLES! On the same barbecue grill that I GRILL MY RIBS ON! Why, I taught her a lesson that she'll NEVER forget, yessiree! Anyhow, once I got out of the hospital yesterday, well, ah, err... look, when she fed my ribs to my ole' hound dog Trigger, why, I just HAD to, uhm, well, I guess I sorta tripped over the grill, ah, uhm...
So what's our Doctor Mengele of the cat world been up to lately? Why, settin' up to go NOO-clear. KaBOOOM! Yeah Billy boy, show them thare LIE-berals just how big of girly-men they really is! So today, our buddy Bill got his pal John Cornyn to pull himself away from admiring box turtles in order to to fire off the trigger of the noo-CLEAR option. Those Democrat wimps, meanwhile, whine that this is breaking the rules and illegal besides. Oh boo hoo! Don't you wimpy LIE-berals get it yet? Rules are for losers, and laws are only for Democrats! Look, we'uns is on top, and you losers are on the bottom, and we gonna make you wimps squeal like a pig, and there ain't nothin' that you'uns can do about it, bwhwhahahahaha!
Meanwhile, at home I went to the theater the other day and was talkin' with Darlene about how that thare LIE-beral media was a'lyin' about our glorious victories in EYE-rack, and then these two stupid dudes interrupted me and said I was wrong, that EYE-rack was a mess and the insurgents were winning and they knew this because they were soldiers on leave from Iraq and they had just got back from six months over there. I told'em they didn't know what they was talkin' about, 'cause we'uns back here got Fox News and they tells us lots more than soldiers learn over there in EYE-rack! Then one of these stupid dudes says yeah sure, I know better than people's that was over there, of course I do, I'm a good Republican who watches Fox News and listen to Rush Limbaugh so I know LOTS more than soldiers who, like, are actually fighting, about what's going on in EYE-rack! Finally, one of these losers says to me if I think things are so good in EYE-rack, why isn't I volunteering? Oh puh-LEEZE. You can't get the NASCAR Channel in EYE-rack! Besides, I is needed here at home to, like, make sure the guys over there gots plenty of, well, err, well, look, cars need their oils changed! Yessiree, my job down thare at the Quicky Loob is, like, VITAL TO THE NATIONAL SECURITY, if I ain't down thare changin' folks' oil, why, their cars will all die and our whole economy will collapse!
Besides, my lovable Darlene is just so great a lady, shorely I couldn't leave her to go over there to EYE-rack? Why, if I stick around for another six weeks or so, she may even let me, err, do my husbandly duty, well, after the cast comes off anyhow. By the way, who was this John Wayne Bobbit dude that Darlene's been talkin' about? She sez I'm 'bout to be just as manly as him, see, if I keep on like I is, and while "John Wayne" surely is a manly name, "Bobbit"... well, ain't that the kinda name that one of them pukey damnyankees would have?! But anyhow, I'm glad that Darlene appreciates my manliness, and I'm sure she'll let me sleep on my bed instead of the couch pretty soon!
-- Bubba the Southern Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/20/2005 10:04:00 PM
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Thursday Penguin Porn Blogging
As you all know, AT&T refused to give me my penguin porn. That's why I have been forced by those meanies at AT&T to go Google for my own penguin porn. Googling this morning, I came across these rotund beauties:
Oooh, look at the rotund lovers cuddling and kissing! And their two rather stern-looking bodyguards there to keep the hoi poloi like you and I from interrupting their gropefest! Aren't they just beautiful? Makes a penguin's flippers flap in appreciation!
-- Badtux the Appreciative Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/19/2005 01:58:00 PM
Oops! We broke the Army!
U.S. Army generals have now backed away from rosy predictions that the Army's problems are no big deal because they will start drawing down in Iraq soon, and instead soberly predict that the U.S. will be in Iraq for years with force levels similar to today. Meanwhile, recruiting is down, lots of soldiers are going AWOL or deserting rather than go to Iraq, and Army recruiters are using unethical practices that at the very least are deceptive and only barely removed from the British press gangs that recruited soldiers to fight against George Washington during the American Revolution (and we all know how effective THAT army turned out to be!).
The situation is indeed dire, but the only real solutions -- the draft -- is vehemently dismissed. That leaves only one solution: Destroy the economy so that young people have a choice of either starving to death or joining the Army. The current housing bubble
, basically created by the Federal Reserve printing money and giving it to the mortgage companies (it's more complicated than that, they're actually giving the money to the Chinese, who are then giving it to the mortgage companies by buying "mortgage-backed securities"), appears that it may be just the ticket...
I *do* hope you've moved your savings into a stable currency? The Euro is looking REALLY interesting right now. Hmm.
If it ain't drafty in here, bet on the economy collapsing. That's the only other way the neocons can get the foot soldiers for their campaign of perpetual war for perpetual peace. The only problem with a mercenary army of that sort is that, after a while, they tend to tire of their rulers and overthrow their rulers... remember, Alaric the Visigoth, who sacked Rome in 410AD, had originally been a commander of Roman soldiers. If this is the direction our neo-con rulers are intending to go, fear for what little is left of democracy in America.
-- Badtux the "Anybody feel a draft in here?" Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/19/2005 11:44:00 AM
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Is this guy sane?!
The delusional nutcases are swarming, with our president talking on a weekly basis with a total loon. Studies now find that the United States is no longer the land of opportunity -- if you're born poor in America, you're more likely to stay poor than in Denmark, the Netherlands, or France. It appears that the agenda of the Republicans to turn the United States into Mexico with better roads, complete with large illiterate peasant class and tiny but filthy rich elite class, is well underway.
So what were the words to "Oh, Canada!" again?
- Badtux the Depressed Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/18/2005 05:48:00 PM
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Tiny tots gone wild! News at 11!
Who do you think gets expelled the most from school? Low-rider-wearing gangsta youth in the high schools? Backward cap wearin' baby gangstas in middle school? Or even spitball-throwing 4th graders?
Well... if you picked any of the above... YOU'RE WRONG! The students who get expelled the most from school... who are the rowdiest, roughest, hard-to-handle kids of all, that the schools have such difficulty educating that they have no choice but to send them home... are PRESCHOOLERS.
Yes, preschoolers. Little pipsqueaks that weigh maybe 40 pounds max, that like getting smiley faces and dislike getting frowney faces, that will perk up and fly right at the mention of ice cream... yes, PRESCHOOLERS. Seems these little dudes and dudettes so terrify teachers and administrators that they end up having to call the cops in order to handle them.
Oh well, I guess at least it beats shooting them. Or beating them with a paddle so hard that they have to be taken to the hospital. Still, you'd think that grown adults could handle a 40 pound tot without handcuffs or expulsions being involved!
Oops, sorry, that makes too much sense. How reality-based of me. Guess I'm gonna have to spank myself with General J.C. Christian's spatula of redemption for the sillyness of suggesting that, at one time in this nation's history, adults were capable of disciplining kindergarteners without resorting to draconian measures. How naughty of me!
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/17/2005 02:51:00 PM
Monday, May 16, 2005
The 1st Commandment
Sometimes I wonder if the course of human history has been changed because the person who transcribed Exodus was dyslexic. Was the First Command perhaps supposed to be, "I am the Lord thy Dog, thou shalt have no other Dogs besides Me"? I picture this Creator as a cinnamon-colored Laborador Retriever, intelligent, loyal, and friendly, ready to help His creations in any way he can and always happy to go fetch a stick, especially if water is involved. What a difference it would have made if this had been the creator we worshipped rather than the grumpy shepherd with a beard that we in the West instead ended up worshipping!
- Badtux the Non-dyslexic Penguin
PS: Yes, I know in the original Aramaic, God and Dog are not anagrams... sheesh, what do you think I am, a Southern Baptist?!
Posted by: BadTux / 5/16/2005 09:06:00 PM
Every life is precious
Until it's born. Then it's just garbage to dump in the woods or allow to die for lack of health insurance. Remember, life is only a right for the unborn. After that, who cares?
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/16/2005 01:12:00 PM
New front in War on Fun(tm): Hugs
It is clear that hugs are evil, because they make people feel good. Things that make people feel good are inventions of Satan. All people should go around with a sourpuss expression on their mouths looking for ways to make others miserable, just like this guy does. Thus I applaud the Bend-La Pine School district in Bend, Oregon, for banning hugs. I mean, come on. If they allowed hugs, what next? Smiles? Joy? LAUGHTER?! Oh the horror!
And let's not forget about that ban on holding hands in school.
That's especially evil. Because if two people who like each other a whole lot hold hands, they might be HAPPY! Which is WRONG. No no, these children must be made to feel as bitter and burned out and hateful and cynical as us adults, or else we'll ALL FEEL BAD about being such bitter, burned out, cynical and hateful people. And we can't have that, can we?!
-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/16/2005 12:36:00 PM
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Jackson State, May 14, 1970: In Memory
On this day, 36 years ago, police opened fire upon unarmed protesters at a historically-black university in Mississippi. By the time they finished firing two young men lay dead, and over a dozen young men and women were injured, most of whom were in a dormitory that the local police riddled with gunfire.
Two young men died there. You do not know their names. And that, perhaps, is the real story.
These are their names:
Phillip Lafayette Gibbs, 21, pre-med.
James Earl Green, 17, high school student walking home from the grocery store.
The five-story dormitory was riddled by gunfire. FBI investigators estimated that more than 460 rounds struck the building, shattering every window facing the street on each floor. Investigators counted at least 160 bullet holes in the outer walls of the stairwell alone -- bullet holes that can still be seen today.
The injured students, many of whom lay bleeding on the ground outside the dormitory, were transported to University Hospital within 20 minutes of the shooting. But the ambulances were not called until after the officers picked up their shell casings, a U. S. Senate probe conducted by Senators Walter Mondale and Birch Bayh later revealed.
Unlike when National Guardsmen killed white students at Kent State, there was no real investigation. No white policemen were arrested for murder. It would have been futile. A white policeman being put on trial in Mississippi in 1970 for murdering a black man who was "being uppity" would have been instantly acquitted. Even today, justice in Mississippi is only for those who are well connected, not for those who are poor white trash, or black, or gay, or otherwise reviled and hated.
And unlike Kent State, nobody remembers Jackson State. Thousands showed up last year for a memorial to honor the victims of the Kent State murders. Fewer than 40 people showed up last year at a 35th anniversary memorial to honor the victims of the Jackson State murders. It is as if history has been redacted to wipe it from the collective conciousness. Or as if the people who died there were simply offal, garbage, to be buried and forgotten and certainly never mourned, for after all, they were uppity Negros, not fine upstanding white people like you or I or the young people killed at Kent State. If anybody remembers Jackson State at all, it is as a footnote to Kent State, not as an atrocity all its own, and the people who died there? Nameless. Forgotten.
These are their names:
Phillip Lafayette Gibbs, 21
James Earl Green, 17
But they have no names in today's America, except to the few who knew them, and remember. And to historians of the era, who grimly count the toll, and then shake their heads, knowing that few would wish to know, or care.
And so it goes in the United States of Delusion, where we pretend that all lives have equal value -- yet our actions, and our memories, prove otherwise.
- Badtux the Historian Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/14/2005 12:21:00 AM
Thursday, May 12, 2005
LIE-berals do genocide in Denver
Looks like Denver is running their own version of "The Final Solution". Yessiree, them thare LIE-berals has done gone and banned pit bulls. Who says we can't get too liberal in the USA? It starts with Pit Bulls, but where will it end? Your Dobermans? Guns? Motorcycles? Jews? Gays? Celine Dion? (Okay, maybe the last would be a good idea :-).
Before you know it, them thare evil communistic LIE-berals is
gonna make all us good red-blooded American men have to gay-marry other
men, and outlaw sex between mens and womens! The NERVE of them
LIE-berals! Meanwhiles, unlike guns, pit bulls CAN decide to kill you
without needing a human hand pulling the trigger. How DARE them LIE-berals in
Denver deny us good hard-working Americans the right to be killed by some
owner's pit-bull that dug its way out of its yard! Why, it's our
PATRIOTIC DUTY to just bare our throats to that thare pit bull and die for the
sake of our country!
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/12/2005 01:24:00 PM
Thursday Penguin Porn Blogging
Yessiree, nekkid penguins necking out there in the open for all the world to see!!!
-- Badtux the Aroused Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/12/2005 12:34:00 AM
Power grows from the barrel of a gun
In which I will explain why George W. Bush doesn't give a **** that many of his policy proposals are disliked by a majority of the people... Just a hint of the next essay to come, about protest, voting, and the nature of power from an anarcho-Libertarian point of view.
In the meantime, I suggest you cogitate upon Chairman Mao's famous statement "power grows out of the barrel of a gun", and discuss what exactly that means in the context a somewhat-democratic nation like the United States. How many divisions the Pope has, the IRS, police, courts, the concept of the State as "that body which has a monopoly upon deadly force", the equivalence of money and guns, and the civil rights movement of the 1950's and early 1960's all will figure into the final essay, even though it'll probably be Saturday before I finish it (sigh, just TOOO many things happening at work right now).
And finally: My facile dismissal of the morals, accomplishments, and intestinal fortitude of the Baby Boomers struck a nerve amongst my five readers. This topic deserves better than the rather snarky and dismissive comments that I've earlier made. What do I consider to be the core "Boomer Generation"? What differentiates them from other generations, and is there even really a difference? Vietnam, the Civil Rights movement and its decay, Clinton, Enron, and Bush all will be up in the air. Coming next week (maybe)... if we don't have any more disasters at work like the last two weeks (sigh!).
- Badtux the Philosophical Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/12/2005 12:15:00 AM
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Happy birthday to me
I'm now 127 years old in penguin years.
I suppose that means I qualify to blend my herring now. Sigh.
- Badtux the Aged Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/11/2005 11:43:00 PM
Ah yes, Georgia, where men are men and livestock is nervous.
Explains a lot, doncha think?
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/11/2005 12:26:00 AM
The Bull Moose shoots... scores!
Says the Moose, outsnarking the Snarky Penguin:
The ugly truth is that if Jesus of Nazareth himself returned and dared to run on the Democratic line the righteous right would tar him as a bleeding heart vagabond who couldn't hold a job and that he needed a shave. No doubt a Galilee Fishingboat Veterans for Truth outfit would call into question Jesus' miracle claims - financed with lavish funding from Rove's buddies in Texas and maximum exposure on Fox News. Just imagine the book - "Unfit to Save".
He is, BTW, saying that Hillary can't be ruled out for 2008 just because all the wingnuts hate her, because the wingnuts would paint ANY Democrat with the same colors -- even Jesus of Nazareth Himself. Not sure I agree with him -- Hillary has a lot of baggage -- but she certainly wouldn't be as inept as John F'ing Kerry was.
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/11/2005 12:18:00 AM
1600 dead soldiers
in the Iraq war.
But hey, that's not important. The only thing that is important is that the Baby Boomers be able to continue being the same lazy, self-indulgent spongers that they've always been, preferably by stealing money from veterans and young parents and their children. Dead soldiers? What do the Boomers care about dead soldiers? The Boomers are in their 50's now, for cryin' out loud, it's not THEIR sorry butts on the line!
- Badtux the Cynical Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/11/2005 12:01:00 AM
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Kansas school board oppresses religion
I applaud the Kansas School Board for spending thousands of dollars on "hearings" about evolution. After all, everybody knows that science is supposed to be decided by politicians based on what's most popular, not by them dome-head scientists with their nut-ball ideas like "empirical evidence" and "experimental results" and "peer reviewed journals". Similarly, everybody knows that it is government's job, not parents', to teach their children about religion.
Once the Kansas school board gets finished putting them fruity biological scientists in their place, I have another screwy dome-head theory for them to take on. Now, these geographers, they keep saying that the world is ROUND. Why, that's just nuts. If the world was round, the only place we could stand up straight would be at the North Pole, and we'd all slide off the sides and fall through space for eternity!
I insist -- nay DEMAND -- that my religion's view of geography be taught in the Kansas schools. We can convene hearings immediately after them Satanic biologists is sent packin'! See, we Tuxologists believe that the world is a flat disk carried on the backs of four elephants facing in the directions of the compass, all of whom are standing upon the back of Great A'Tuin the World Turtle as he swims through the sea of stars. Those silly Geography teachers with their silly notion that the world is a BALL are, well, DEMENTED! I am sure that the results of our hearings will be that the geography teachers will be required to teach the flaws of the round-earth theory, such as that everybody would fall off the sides if they were at the equator or have to stand at a really strange angle to keep from sliding off if they were further north like here in America. We Tuxologists demand equal time!
So remember: Either you support the Kansas School Board giving equal time to Tuxology's theory that the world is a flat disc, or you're, you're, a LIBERAL DOODY-HEAD and ANTI-AMERICAN!
- Badtux the Tuxologist Penguin
* Tuxology: The Religion of Sartorial and Digestive Excellence via Applied Herring Technology. Fear the Penguins!
Posted by: BadTux / 5/10/2005 12:01:00 AM
Monday, May 09, 2005
What is the Iraqi word for "puppet"?
Iraqi Intelligence Agency, apparently. The CIA won't turn over control of the Iraqi secret police to Iraqis because, apparently, they're afraid that (gasp), IRAQIS HATE AMERICA. Gosh, I wonder why they might think that?
In other news, the U.S. claims that they killed a hundred Iraqi insurgents. 100 down, 200,000 to go! Well, assuming that the Iraq body counts are more accurate than the Vietnam ones were (we apparently killed every V.C. member several times over during the course of the war). I wonder how many of the insurgents are like this one:
Hoo-whee! Dead rag-head terrorist, hubba hubba, time to celebrate Warblogger Appreciation Month!
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/09/2005 04:27:00 PM
I let Bubba take this quiz...
He says these guys understand Freepers just fine.
"You think the Klan and the Nazis are too soft. Probably because they let in too many closet gays."
Are You A Republican?
Posted by: BadTux / 5/09/2005 08:10:00 AM
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Principal violates federal law by discussing discipline incident
A principal in Georgia not only proved he's a total asshole for suspending a kid for 10 days for answering a phone call from his mom in Iraq, but also violated federal law by discussing the incident with reporters. This federal law prohibits releasing *any* information from the students' records, including information about disciplinary actions, without permission of the student (parents, for minor students) or a court order.
To quote federal regulations regarding what comprises an unlawful disclosure of a disciplinary record:
Authority: 20 U.S.C. 1232g(a)(5)(A))
Disciplinary action or proceeding means the investigation,
adjudication, or imposition of sanctions by an educational agency or
institution with respect to an infraction or violation of the internal
rules of conduct applicable to students of the agency or institution.
Disclosure means to permit access to or the release, transfer, or
other communication of personally identifiable information contained in
education records to any party, by any means, including oral, written,
or electronic means.
I.e., when this principal disclosed information from this child's disciplinary record to the press, he violated federal law.
Not that I expect anybody to ever take him up on it. After all, if the boy's family had the money for a lawyer, his momma wouldn't be in Iraq right now, she'd be at home..
- Badtux the Legal Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/08/2005 11:41:00 PM
WTF is with this "runaway bride"?
I don't get it. When did we turn into a nation of insufferable busy-bodies who must know every little detail of the private lives of other Americans?
The late Ann Landers had a saying she'd trot out from time to time: "MYOB". I.e., if nobody was getting hurt, keep your mouth shut. Miss Manners, too, will trot that one out from time to time when asked, "What should I say about X?" e.g. "What should I say if my hostess is drunk and making an idiot out of herself?" It is neither polite to mind other people's business, nor moral. Interfering with other people's lives is a violation of their right to live their life the way they wish.
But then, that's a good Libertarian talking, and I realize that we now live in HOA Hell, where the Garbage Can Police fine you if you don't put your garbage can in the right place and the Motorcycle Police fine you if you don't park your motorcycle in your garage and etc., but the United States once wasn't like that, and I wonder when it changed? Remember, FDR was paralyzed from the waist down, but it wasn't relevant to his performance as President so it was MYOB. JFK was a womanizer, but it wasn't relevant to his performance as President so it was MYOB. How did we go from that, to a President being impeached for a blowjob? How did we go from that, to wanting to know every little detail about some stranger's wedding jitters? It's just absolutely astounding, how America the Free has turned into America the Land of Busybodies... and it took less than forty years to do so.
- Badtux the MYOB Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/08/2005 09:59:00 PM
A new plan for victory in Iraq
It's called Operation Golden Shower. And it's 100% guaranteed to not only win the war in Iraq, but guarantee that every Iraqi loves us for the next twenty years.
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/08/2005 09:54:00 PM
Awwee, those poor persecuted Christians!
Why, it's not enough that they control two of the three branches of government, are having their agenda written into law every day, and basically control the political course of the land. They're persecuted, PERSECUTED I say, because of, well, I'm not quite sure. I went and Googled to find examples of religious persecution of Christians in America, and all I found was nonsense about Cassie Bernall, the "Columbine Martyr" who supposedly was killed for expressing her Christian faith (except she wasn't, witnesses say, and in fact witnesses say that the girl who DID express her Christian faith was spared by the killers). It seams that they can't find any actual persecution, so they just make shit up. Their Bible says that liars are going to Hell, but these "Christians" don't appear to care. They lie often and with no apparent guilt, inventing illusionary persecutions to feed their pathetic delusions.
But that's not the main reason they say they're persecuted. They say they're persecuted because they're not allowed to persecute *ME* by outlawing my rotund waddling self as an obscenity. And because I say bad things about their lunatic delusions about invisible sky spirits and bad science fiction "holy literature". Oh wah, their feelings is hurt, waahhhh! What a bunch of wuss crybabies.
I believe that everybody has the right to believe any insane twaddle they wish to believe. But your right to believe in insane twaddle ends when you start acting on those delusional beliefs in a way that impacts *ME*. I don't give a sh** what you believe, just keep out of my face.
Your right to utter inane prayers to an imaginary being in the sky isn't going to be infringed by me in any way, but if you harass ME by getting in my face and ranting that I'm going to some imaginary place of burning flames because I don't share your insane delusions, if you're going to say that, because I don't share your lunatic psychosis, I'm a second-class citizen, I'm going to tell you to get the fuck out of my face. I'm going to do that not because I'm persecuting you for your religious beliefs. I'm going to do that because you're an asshole.
-- Badtux the Newly-converted-to-atheism Penguin (hey, ya gotta admit that with "Christians" like Pat Robertson around, Christianity seems more like an insane delusion backed up by a bad science fiction novel called "The Bible" every day).
Posted by: BadTux / 5/08/2005 09:19:00 PM
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Friday Cat Killer Blogging
Howdy, folks, Bubba the Southern Penguin here for Friday Cat Killer Bloggin' starring Senator Bill Frist. I is a day late, but look, Darlene locked me out of the bedroom all last week refusin' to do her Biblical duties and I was, like, too desperate to be thinkin' about writin', though I see down there in Badtux's blog that May is a month dedicated to another solution to that problem (but Jesus's General tells me that massacre'ing them spermatzoan-Americans would be murder, so I ain't doin' that!). Anyhow, in today's episode, those LIE-beral commies whine about our glorious Dr. Mengele of the cat world and his friends in Congress is takin' lotsa free trips on corporate jets. Well, I got just this one thing to say about them LIE-berals: What do you'uns have against good ole' American business?
Look, if you don't let the corporations run America, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON! These immortal artificial peoples have rights too, y'know! And tryin' to keep them from bribing Congressmen and Senators is UN-AMERICAN and downright COMMUNISTIC! We're SUPPOSED to have the best government that money can buy. It's called FREE ENTERPRISE!
Now that we have that one out of the way, it's time ta start stokin' the ole' barbecue grill. It's time to do my manly Saturday duty of cookin' dinner. I got me a rack of ribs, a couple dozen hot dogs, and a few six-packs of Bud, whooeee that there's gonna be some nice dinner! Now, Darlene is gettin' some more of them funny idears of hers from that thare LIE-beral media, sayin' I oughts to grill some VEGETABLES too. Sheesh, Darlene, GRILLED vegetables? Instead of bein' boiled to a textureless mush? Why, that's un-AMERICAN! What? Do I want to do WHAT? Woman, you is goin' ta HELL for not doin' your Biblical duty that way uh oh ah okay, yes Darlene, I'll grill some vegetables for you, but please, please, let me back in the bedroom tonight, PLEASE don't feed my ribs to ole' Trigger, I'll grill you some vegetables, please no, don't throw any more dishes! Err, gotta go, my woman is gettin' het up agin.... sheesh, women. Love'em, but hell, just don't unnerstan them...
- Bubba the Southern Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/07/2005 09:36:00 AM
Friday, May 06, 2005
Please view immediately after meal.. Bucket optional. War bloggers should call their plumbers first.
- Badtux the Sobered Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/06/2005 08:58:00 PM
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Today In Iraq reminds us that it's the second anniversary of Dear Leader's proclamation, Mission Accomplished.
In other news, The Poor Man sadly notifies us that a genuine American hero, Col. David Hackworth, has passed on. He was a member of the last American generation that had balls, a generation that today's snivelling coward Baby Boomers, shaking with fear inside their enormous tank SUV's and gated communities, aren't fit to lick the boots of. He pissed off a lot of people by telling the truth, repeatedly and often. Especially the 101st Fighting Keyboarders, who did their best to ignore him because he had enough shiny metal on his breast to blind them if they ever looked his way. Now he's gone.
- Badtux the News Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/05/2005 03:26:00 PM
Thursday Penguin Porn Blogging
Since AT&T refused to give me my penguin porn, I had to go searching for it all over the Internets. Did you know that if you type "penguin porn" into Google, you get over 213,000 hits? Whoa! Maybe this "Internet" thing is gonna take off after all!
So anyhow, I found here a pornographic picture of a naked penguin celebrating Warblogger Appreciation Month while looking at his (or is it a her?) favorite dirty book, Linux for Dummies:
-- Badtux the Dirty-minded Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/05/2005 09:10:00 AM
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
May is Warblogger Appreciation Month
The Culture Kitchen reminds us that May is the month set aside in commemoration of the brave men of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders, that pasty-faced flabby-bicep'ed division who, from the front lines of their parents' basements, fight for truth, justice, and Mom's apple pie (of which they regularly over-indulge, thus their penguin-like figures). Yes, May is Masturbation Month, in honor of the only sex that the 101st Fighting Keyboarders ever have!
Now, what is the favorite fetish of the members of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders, you wonder? Well, I have it right here:
Yes, dead Iraqi children. Post a picture of a dead Iraqi child and they happen to come across it, they immediately ejaculate in great spurts so daunting that their mothers have to call the plumber to pump out the basement! That's why you will never see a picture of a dead Iraqi child on a war blogger's web site. It would just cause too many plumbing backups all across the land, yessiree!
So if you know a war blogger, tell'em "Happy Warblogger Appreciation Month!". And send him a picture of a dead Iraqi child. After all, it's just your patriotic duty to help him get his rocks off during this month in his honor!
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/04/2005 10:10:00 PM
Beware the Sombrero of Mass Destruction!
No snark required.
Really. I guess it's the icky color that was the threat to national security:
Oh the Horror!
- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/04/2005 08:27:00 PM
Monday, May 02, 2005
Telecommuting: How to work 16 hours a day...
and like it. Maybe. I guess it depends on the work. Today I was managing the manufacturing line via remote control -- I have that thing so automated that I can see when the workers sneeze (well, almost!) -- and managed my way through two shifts of workers. Ah, the virtues of automation! Especially automation that requires *ME* to tell it to let the worker do something stupid such as ship a few boxes that we *know* are busted (but we have to ship them to the hardware engineers so they can figure out WHY it's busted). Anyhow, I was bug whacking and figuring out what that flakey hardware was doing all the way from morning until just a few minutes ago.
Other techno-geekery: My toner cartridge came in for my Samsung ML6060 laser printer, and now it prints right again! Guess that'll get me a couple years more printing out of the old darling... also, my Epson C84 ink jet printer unclogged nicely once I finished meticulously taking cotton swabs and alcohol to every ink-laden portion of the piece of ****. So I have gone from having no printers working to having two printers working... ah... life is good!
As for why I'm at home rather than at the office -- I went waddling with a backpack in the wilderness over the weekend, and wound up wearing a hole in my left flipper, the one that is circulation-impaired. This requires meticulous wound care in order to prevent it from becoming infected and costing me more (or all) of the foot. That specific piece of footwear that wore the hole in my left foot is now officially retired, I have footwear that actually works for my feet nowdays so I'm going back to those boots, even though they're rather stuffy for hot weather.
And sooner or later, I'm going to have to get the
MandrakeMandriva 10.2 Linux burned onto CD's and installed here on my laptop... but I've just been too darned busy. Sigh.
Anyhow, now you know why you got second-hand snark today (courtesy of SKB) rather than fresh penguin snark. Now I'm going to bed, tomorrow looks like a long day too, I get to go back to programming rather than playing manufacturing geek I hope!
- Badtux the Techno-geek Penguin
Posted by: BadTux / 5/02/2005 10:58:00 PM
Beware the Burrito of Mass Destruction
I can see it now:
Cop: "Okay, son. Put down the burrito and step away."
Kid: "Yuhyuhyuhess sir please don't shoot!"
Thank god the kid didn't bring a tamale to school, then the cops would have REALLY over-reacted!
- Badtux the "Land of the Brave? Where?!" Penguin
(Link courtesy of South Knox Bubba. Okay, then.)
Posted by: BadTux / 5/02/2005 04:17:00 PM
- Name: BadTux
- Location: Some iceberg, South Pacific, Antarctica
I am a black and white and yellow multicolored penguin making his way as best he can in a world of monochromic monkeys.
View my complete profile
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Bill Richardson: Because what America needs is a competent fat man with bad hair as President (haven't we had enough incompetent pretty faces?)
Cost of the War in Iraq