Thursday, January 25, 2007

Republican Presidential hopefuls line up

In other news, my apartment complex's gardener has not yet announced his candidacy for the Presidency, but has formed an exploratory committee comprised of the maintenance man, the office secretary, and his wife to detirmine whether he has as much a chance as the rest of the Republican field. Says he, "My name is Jesus, surely that will get me at least a few votes in the South?" Being a kind and charitable penguin, I did not inform him that Southerners prefer their Jesus dead and trapped inside the pages of a book, and certainly don't want to see him or listen to his words, because then they might, like, actually have to live up to the faith they claim to adhere to.

On a more personal note, I have formed an exploratory committee consisting of myself, my cat Fang, and my cat Mencken, to explore whether I should run for the Presidency. The first question was what party to run under. Eventually that was resolved: I shall run as the nominee of the Birthday Party (assuming I win the party's nomination). The current hangup is whether penguins can actually run for office. Once we've figured that one out, then I can announce yay or nay.

My vice presidential candidate, should I decide, will be Opus the Penguin. Free herring for all shall be our campaign slogan. Herring. Yum. BURRP!!!

-- Badtux the Presidential Penguin

Comments:

"Being a kind and charitable penguin, I did not inform him that Southerners prefer their Jesus dead and trapped inside the pages of a book, and certainly don't want to see him or listen to his words, because then they might, like, actually have to live up to the faith they claim to adhere to."

They wouldn't believe in Jesus if he walked around kicking them in the ass. In fact they would kill him (me) again. Christians are fucking idiots. And he (I) damn sure wouldn't run for president of this stupid country.

Go ahead and run, I'm not.
# posted by BBC : 25/1/07 7:35 PM  

(Rassafrassin' Blogger... put in a nice, chesive comment, signed in... and lost it 'cause *I* switched to the new and unimproved version. let's see if I can re-create it...)

Why CAN'T a penguin run? We already have a chimp (and a smirking, coke-head one, at that).

But wouldn't Opus overload the ticket in the penguin direction. I think a better choice would be Bill the Cat... that way, you get the thinking crowd (the penguin community) and the brain-addled.
# posted by andrew618 : 26/1/07 4:15 AM  

birthday party -- see i'm thnking it a bunch of nudists..which is ok if you're a penguin or cat...

which got me to thinking how, um you keep your cats from eating you?? laughing
# posted by azgoddess : 26/1/07 1:11 PM  

I have to agree with Andrew – Bill the Cat is the obvious choice.
The demographics show a wide variety of potential supporters. Let’s examine the facts:
Bill’s a favorite son from IOWA – home of the first sucking up to supporters in the country.
Then after moving to New York to star in films he began drinking heavily, used illegal drugs, and "free-based Little Friskies", until his friends intervened. Who doesn’t love a guy that has come back from the cat box of life?
He was lead in Billy and the Boingers, well at least until his fans discovered that he hung out late at night with a nun reading the bible. From there he went on to be a televangelist, and then joined a cult.
Not too long after, he was elected as Mayor of Bloom County – here's the political experience background.
I believe the Badtux & Bill ticket could save us all!!! And of course, there's still the "free Herring for all" thing.

From the Political Cornfields of Iowa
Cornfield Jane
# posted by cornfield jane : 26/1/07 1:30 PM  

BTW Badtux, I have seven cats. I'm sure we could "scratch up" some solid Iowa support here.
We aren't using the barn right now except to store the boats.
We can set it up as your midwest political headquarters.

http://www.iowabarnfoundation.org/images/early_logbarn_1.jpg
# posted by cornfield jane : 26/1/07 2:02 PM  

Well, assuming you and Opus were both born in America, and I'm not too sure about Opus, you're both qualified to run.

No, wait. If I remeber my Bloom County-reading days correctly, Opus has travelled the Veep route once before -- Bill the Cat was the presidential hopeful.

*ack*
# posted by Mimus Pauly : 26/1/07 5:17 PM  

Jane.... You may want to change your mind hon. I'm Bill the cat.
# posted by BBC : 26/1/07 7:43 PM  

Hmm, my exploratory campaign committee likes the idea of Bill the Cat as my vice-presidential candidate, pointing out that it would lock in the very important "Cat Lady" demographic. The fact that he is flea-bitten, brain-addled, and hacks up hairballs all the time would not dissuade them a bit, at our campaign outings they would all rush to pet the sweet little kittie and if he hacked up a hairball all over them, why, they'd clean it right up and say what a sweet kitty he is and hug and cuddle him.

On second thought, as a Presidential candidate, how do I feel about being upstaged by my Vice President? Hmm... I need to think about that...

- Badtux the Considering Penguin
# posted by BadTux : 26/1/07 7:50 PM  

i been knowing duncan hunter since the early 80's (like maybe 81 or 82 but this was before i sobered up and it's all kinda fuzzy). i was opening my first incarnation of the truffle shop in La Mesa and ran afoul of some obscure california laws left over from prohibition that outlawed flavoring chocolates with liqueurs. hunter was at that time the state assemblyman for La Mesa/El Cajon (i still crack him up by asking if the proper way to refer to somebody from El Cajon is to call them "El Cajones" but i digress), he walked the floor of the assembly, pounded the podium, twisted some arms and got the things changed so that i could keep my business legal in a very short time. we have remained in contact ever since. i have never voted for him. i have never given him money or helped him raise it. i have done water station patrol with his brother out in the desert. he, right now, is in serious jeopardy from cunningham fallout. i hope that it turns out to be untrue. i still send him a dozen truffles every christmas. i don't want to send them to his family while he is in jail.
# posted by The Minstrel Boy : 27/1/07 9:11 AM  

Hunter's got one major advantage over the other candidates -- as a former Army Ranger in Vietnam, he actually has a clue when it comes to proper use of the militarty. Sounds like he's one of the old-style politicos who go to bat for his constituents, which is why he probably sounds like a raving lunatic on immigration issues (I know some of his constituents, and they're always cussing about how the Mexicans are taking their jobs). But nobody outside of his district has ever heard of him. He has as much chance of winning as Michael Jesus Archangel. Why he would announce that he was running for President still utterly baffles me. I might as well announce that I'm running for President, I have as much chance of winning.

-BT
# posted by BadTux : 27/1/07 9:26 AM  

You must recollect that Opus was only the vice presidential candidate for the great Meadow Party because the others sent him out for cookies and then nominated him in his absence. The stinkin' rat bastids.

However, I do not believe America is ready for a two penguin ticket, and like cornfield jane believe you would be much better off with the crazy cat lady demographic. Of which I am one, thank you very much. There you are; you have one vote wrapped up already.
# posted by Red State Blues : 28/1/07 3:44 PM  

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