Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Gay Agenda sighted on cable!
Uh-oh. That mighty supervillain The Gay Agenda apparently now has his own television show, where he can shoot innocent young children with his Gay Ray of Gayness and, like, turn them all gay! Oh the horror! America is doomed, doomed I say, because the next generation will only gay-marry instead of fornicating with men, women, and sheep like God intended. We must immediately round up torches and start killing people, because as Jesus said in Luke 10:25, "Kill all the motherfuckers, yo."
In other news, Canada has had gay marriage for almost two years now and hasn't yet slid into the sea. Man-on-dog sex still hasn't been legalized in Canada (sorry, Senator Santorum!), and men are still not marrying their box turtles in Canada (sorry, Senator Cornyn). BOR-ing. C'mon, I wanted to see all that fire and brimstone and the disintegration of Canadian civilization and stuff like the tighty righties predicted! This business of Canadians simply going about their lives as if gay marriage actually didn't mean the end of civilization is... dull! I know, I know, those polite Canadians are just looking around puzzled and saying "Eh?", but you tighty righties said there'd be some fireworks. Sheesh!
Thank you, General Pace, for protecting us from that evil supervillain The Gay Agenda. I mean, do we *really* want someone in our military who looks like this?
No no, we obviously must protect our brave men and women in uniform from that evil supervillain The Gay Agenda, because if we don't, he'll KILL THEM ALL with his rainbow-beamed Gay Ray Gun! After all, the real enemy of America isn't jihadis or terrorists or whatever. The real enemy of America is... err... gay people?
Uhm, yeah. Hasn't anybody ever told the Brazil police that blue-grey really, really does NOT go with green and yellow? The Brazil police need to get those Queer Eye guys to come in and give them a fashion makeover, sheesh! Although I must admit that the jaunty beret certainly gives this fine example of Brazil police-dom a rather dashing look, wot? But what's with the motorcycle helmet worn by the cop in the background? Quite unfashionable, that!
Yes, that mighty supervillain The Gay Agenda, with his Gay Ray Gun of Gayness that he is going to use to shoot all our masculine boys and feminine girls and turn them into girly-men and manly girls, has been sighted AGAIN by those brave patriots of the Christian News Service, who, braving the risks of carpal tunnel syndrome or being affected by stray Gay Rays shot from the Gay Agenda's Gay Ray Gun, bravely read an AP news article about a speech at a gay rights convention! And now we find out that The Gay Agenda has a boss: Hillary Rodham Clinton, who, these brave patriots tell us, is running as the first gay President (gasp!). Well, I guess since her husband ran for office as the first black President there is a precedent... still, who would have thunk it that The Gay Agenda had a female boss? This penguin is aghast, aghast I say! Oh Gay Agenda, how could you have let us manly men err penguins down like that?!
A Catholic bishop in Rhode Island has taken time from gay-raping little boys and forcing women to have babies to note in alarm that the mighty supervillain The Gay Agenda (left) has shot Rhode Island Attorney General Patrick Lynch with his Gay Ray Gun of Gayness, forcing A.G. Lynch to rule that (gasp) gays should have equal rights under the Establishment clause of the Constitution rather than be stoned to death. Why, if gays had equal rights, they would... they would... CUT OUR HAIR AND DECORATE OUR HOMES MOST TASTEFULLY! What would the makers of knotty pine furniture do then, I ask you? Think of their innocent little children, starving amongst a sea of knotty pine furniture in Cooterville Alabama. Oh the horror!
So remember boys and girls, keep an eye out for that mighty supervillain The Gay Agenda flying across your sky clad in his gay little short-shorts and perfectly coifed permed hair, because if he got his way, why, we'd all be gayer than the gay mayor of gayville and the children of the makers of knotty pine furniture would be reduced to eating sawdust for breakfast lunch and dinner. Think of the children! Oh the poor little children!
That mighty supervillain The Gay Agenda gets a lot of press on World Nut Daily ("A free press for a free people", for some value of "free"). A quick Google search of World Nut Daily turns up over 500 articles published there about that horrible supervillain.
So what is so horrible about The Gay Agenda, he of the iridescent tights, rainbow cape, big "G" on his chest, and his Gay Ray Gun of Gayness that he carries between his legs as he flies through the skies Superman-style? Well, clicking through some of the search results turns up some interesting facts about The Gay Agenda:
The Gay Agenda wants to be taught in elementary schools. Now, I know what you're saying -- why does a big lunk in tights, with that, err, suggestive ray gun, want to sit all akimber in one of those little 4th grade seats learning his multiplication tables along with little kids? Well, I'm not sure, but The Gay Agenda apparently went to court to make sure he got taught in elementary schools.
The Gay Agenda wants to adopt little boys and girls and use them for child sacrifices. Many states have had to actually pass LAWS prohibiting The Gay Agenda from adopting little boys and girls in their states! C'mon, the notion of some evil supervillain in tights adopting a small child ought to raise a few questions, eh?
The Gay Agenda goes around looking for pregnant girls, and when he finds one, he rips the fetus right out of her belly (this is called "Plan B", I suppose "Plan A" would be to take the girl to a normal abortion clinic). Then The Gay Agenda eats the aborted fetus as it wriggles in his rainbow-gloved hands. Once finished eating the aborted fetus, The Gay Agenda then uses the Gay Ray Gun of Gayness to force the girl to gay-marry another girl, or maybe Senator Santorum's dog or Senator Cornyn's box turtle depending on his mood.
The Gay Agenda has super-powered breath that contains Super AIDS. All that The Gay Agenda has to do is breathe on someone and that person gets AIDS. It is unknown whether this super-power is related to Rush Limbaugh's breath, which merely reeks of brimstone and reduces the IQ of anyone subjected to it by 50 points.
The Gay Agenda sneaks up on loving families at night and holds a knife to the throat of the woman and forces them to divorce and gay-marry other people and forces the children to be sad and kill themselves.
The Gay Agenda wants to put all straight people in jail, or kill them if he can't jail them.
The Gay Agenda sneaks into unsuspecting households at night, kidnaps the children, and makes them watch X-rated movies. It is unknow what The Gay Agenda's motivation for doing this is. Perhaps he is lonely and just wants company. In any event, it is clear that The Gay Agenda is a bad, bad man.
The Gay Agenda wants to marry a sheep. In other news, half of the state of Wyoming and most of the country of New Zealand goes "Ewe!".
The Gay Agenda sneaks into homes at night and replaces Bibles with Qurans, then takes the Bibles and rips the pages out to use as toilet paper. The Gay Agenda apparently has irritable bowel syndrome.
The Gay Agenda sneaks into military recruiting stations and shoots the new recruits with his Gay Ray Beam of Gayness and turns them all into swishy boys and manly girls.
The Gay Agenda invades churches and forces preachers at gunpoint to preach to The Gay Agenda. It is unknown what joy he gets from doing this. I guess being an evil supervillain means never having to explain your evil-ness.
The Gay Agenda forces nations that tolerate his presence, like Canada and the Netherlands, to be unlivable hellholes, while nations that shoot at The Gay Agenda at sight, like Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and Iran, are beautiful paradises.
Boy, I sure learn a lot about The Gay Agenda by reading World Nut Daily. The Gay Agenda is truly an evil supervillain!
Meanwhile, at the bottom of that story, I see a fascinating link: "Massachusetts judge orders teaching of the Gay Agenda". Oh dear. There's that evil supervillain, The Gay Agenda, again, with his rainbow cape and the big "G" on his chest, and the Gay Ray Gun of Gayness that he uses to shoot unsuspecting boys and girls to make them Teh Gay. I guess that, as an evil supervillain, the schools turned him away earlier in life. Perhaps he would not have become a supervillain if those nasty schools had allowed him to be taught. I am glad that a Massachussets judge now is going to allow The Gay Agenda to attend school. Teaching The Gay Agenda, though, probably is going to be a bit difficult for the teacher. I mean, c'mon. Here you are, with all these little shrimpy 4th graders, then there's this big lunk wearing tights and a rainbow cape, with a big Gay Ray Gun of Gayness clutched between his legs? And you think that won't be disruptive to the learning of the other students in the class?!
No, sadly I must agree with Wingnut Daily here. Teaching The Gay Agenda in a normal classroom is just too disruptive to the learning of our students. Besides, if we allow The Gay Agenda to be taught in a regular classroom, what next? The Joker sues for admission to Gotham University? Lex Luthor requests admission to Metropolis High School? Dr. Doom demands admission to Oklahoma State? Supervillains wearing tights, alas, simply are not appropriate as students in our classrooms.
-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
PS: C'mon, people, I've had *ZERO* submissions for pictures of The Gay Agenda, it'd be *great* to tag these posts about that mighty supervillian with a picture of him so that wingnuts can know what they're supposed to be shuddering in fear in their homes about! Flippers, guys. Penguins have flippers. We aren't good artists, okay?!
Those brave Republic Party members in the Utah Legislature have discovered that the dastardly supervillain, The Gay Agenda, is out there trying to convert our innocent little boys and girls into gay hairdressers and gay interior decorators with his mighty Gay Laser of Gayness, and have come up with a way to stop The Gay Agenda: Outlaw Gay-Straight Alliance clubs in the schools.
I'm not quite sure what that has to do with that dastardly supervillain The Gay Agenda, but anyhow. I've been looking for a picture of The Gay Agenda and not finding one. I picture him as looking like Superman, except with a "G" rather than an "S" on his chest, and a rainbow-colored cape, flying across the sky with his arms held out in front of him in the classic Superman pose. He holds his Gay Laser of Gayness between his legs while he is flying, and it looks sorta like this pic from Shakes (notice the gay ray beams coming out the end):
Now, what I'm trying to do is put together a wanted poster for The Gay Agenda. You know, something along the lines of: "Wanted: The Gay Agenda", a picture, then a detailed description of why exactly The Gay Agenda is so evil below. Let's see: shoots superheros like Superman and Batman with his Gay Laser of Gayness and turns them into hairdressers and interior decorators (hold it, Superman and Batman already wear tights, has The Gay Agenda already got them?!), caused Osama bin Laden to attack us on 9/11, you know the drill, I'll have to troll a few right-wing sites to find out what other evil The Gay Agenda has been up to. But all of it fails without that picture of The Gay Agenda. After all, how can the brave Republic Party members cowering in their homes in fear of The Gay Agenda know what they're supposed to be scared of if they don't know what The Gay Agenda looks like? Oh the horror!
-- Badtux the "I can't draw" Penguin
Flippers, folks. Flippers are LOUSY for drawin'. Just sayin', y'know?
They selected Alison Bechdel's autobiographical father-daughter graphic novel Fun Home as their #1 Book of the Year.
Bechdel is, of course, as butch as a lesbian can get. (puts on Bill O'Reilly's thinking cap) Why, obvoiusly Time Magazine wants to turn all our fine young girls into butch dikes, at which point they'll stop having babies and the American race will die! Err, of course, "American race" is an oxymoron, as the very name "O'Reilly" should suggest (he's freakin' IRISH, fer cryin' out loud! Not even an Anglo-Saxon!). And as Mary Cheney is proving, being a lesbian doesn't stop you from having babies, it just substitutes a couple of mechanical acts in the process. But hey, what's a few facts between bigots, eh?
I'm not sure which blogger on my blogroll blogged about the book. I thought it was our resident woman artist Idyllopus admiring the artwork, but I just checked out her blog and didn't see it there. Anyhow, whoever mentioned it, when I read their blog article I checked out the first few pages on Amazon.com, then I went out to my local Tractors and Peasants Big Box Bookstore and bought a copy of it (it's under "Biography"). Whether you're straight or gay, it's just plain good, and it's good that some folks outside of the gay ghetto have recognized that. Even if recognizing that good art is good art means they'll be accused of being in the pay of the mighty pastel "Gay Agenda", that rainbow-clad supervillain who goes around zapping fine outstanding preacher men with his Gay Laser of Gayness and, like, wants to destroy America by turning us all gay so we won't reproduce and the cockroachesMexicans will take over the empty ruins! Err, yeah. And pigs fly out of my butt every night too. Whatever.
After all, he is always showing up in front of our troops wearing a giant codpiece and uniform, showing us all exactly how manly a man he is. Our dear leader obviously loves our troops. Sincerely. At least, his codpiece says he's happy to see them.
Well, at least he loves our troops as long as they're not combat veterans. As of February, VA officials reported, 85,857 of the 360,674 veterans of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq who had separated from active duty — 24% — had sought healthcare from the VA. This included treatment for both physical injuries and mental health problems.
Yet Bush's budget proposal for the VA was far, far below what everybody acknowledges is necessary to care for all the newly-disabled veterans that Bush's dirty little war in Iraq is creating. Thus Congress had to come in and basically back-fill with enough money to give our veterans the medical services they have earned by doing their duty to our nation. As hard as it is to believe, invading random nations, killing their citizens, and standing on the smoking ruins is their duty to our nation -- the Constitution states that they must obey their Commander in Chief, the President of the United States, and President Bush was elected by 3/4ths of the voting age pouplation -- by 1/2 of the people who voted, and by the remainder who were so satisfied with Bush that they didn't bother voting. It's a tough job, but it's one we told them to do, either via our sins of commission or omission, and they damn well deserve the best medical care that America can offer once fulfill their duty.
So the question I have is this: Why does Bush only love our soldiers when he is staring at their dinguses, and hate them all the rest of the time, not giving them the armor and equipment they need, shorting them on medical care, etc.? Curious penguins want to know: Is our Dear Leader yet another victim of that dastardly supervillain, The Gay Agenda, and his evil superweapon the Gay Raygun of Gayness?!
Karl was a penguin. Karl was using his laptop to browse penguin porn. Now Karl is a flat penguin, after Karl, intent upon getting a closeup view of the porn, stepped onto the keyboard of his offended laptop which then snapped closed on him.
Thus illustrating the evils of penguin porn. This blog has been the cause of more flattened penguins than any other site on the Internet. Well, other than perhaps that evil supervillain, The Gay Agenda, who has been busily forcing penguins to be gay, which arguably is a worse evil than causing them to be flat.
So will I continue purveying penguin porn, knowing that it causes my waddling cohorts in herring adoration to become flat? Why... YES! The only question in my mind is what to post. Oh dear, so much porn, so little time...
So without further ado, here is some *HARDCORE* penguin porn:
After much investigation, I found the villian! I asked my Freeper friends, and they said that it's The Gay Agenda that's forcing these poor innocent penguins to be gay! Apparently The Gay Agenda is a super-villain much like Lex Luther or The Joker, who goes around forcing men to marry men and women to marry women and boy penguins to, well, boink boy penguins, and The Gay Agenda will come and force YOUR child to be gay if good God-fearing Americans like you and I don't put a stop to him! After some digging around on the Internets, I found a picture of The Gay Agenda:
If you see this villain, contact Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell immediately so that they can rush to the God Cave, toss on their superhero outfits, and foil this evil villain using the mighty superpowers of Bible Thumping and Fatuous Orating granted to them when they were exposed to toxic chemicals as youths! It makes this Freeper's heart just THROB with joy to think of these three-piece-suited crusaders rushing through the streets in the Godmobile to save innocent penguins from being turned into perverts by that evil supervillain, The Gay Agenda!
More to follow, after I finish cursing SOB chickenhawks and get my breath back...
"Keep fighting for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don't forget to have fun doin' it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce."
-- Molly Ivins, 1944-2007
"The penalty good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men."
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