Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.
Friday, April 27, 2007
The best place for a child is in a prison cell
I must heartily applaud the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency for their application of the principle "spare the rod and spoil the child". These pesky children today are simply spoiled and soft. They need to be placed in prisons or shut up in airless rooms and taught their proper place as a citizen of Soviet America, i.e., subjects. Liberty and freedom must be earned, they are not birthrights granted unto us by our Creator, regardless of what some idiot lefties might have written on their web sites (I mean, sheesh, what do men with gay pussy-wimp names like "Thomas Jefferson" and "John Adams" and "Benjamin Franklin" know about liberty and freedom anyhow? Dirty unwashed hippies, all of them!).
I most especially applaud the Imigration and Customs Enforcement Agency for refusing to call in the local Child Protective Services to care for children for whom a guardian is not available. When I was in the school system we were directed that if an unattended child was in our custody for two hours after the end of the school day and no parent or guardian were located, we should contact Child Protective Services to take temporary custody of the child until such time as a parent or guardian were located. But the Imigration and Customs Enforcement Agency wisely regards that as just some sissy state law. They are the Department of Homeland Security. They can do whatever they want to, because, like, they're the Federal governent and, like, they got the goddamn ATOMIC BOMB, kapiche? And if you don't like it, you can sleep with the fishes with concrete goulashes! (Or occupy a clean cell at Gitmo as an enemy combatant, whatever). That child needed to be in a cell. It was for his own good.
Yes, I feel safer knowing that ICEA is protecting me from these horrible children, most of whom are even, like, brown (SHUDDER!). If ICEA does not imprison children, why, why... those hideous little brats might sneak into our bedrooms at night and KILL US ALL! Horror!
Hmm. Apparently the NYPD is under the impression that their job now includes spying on people who don't like Republicans. Funny, I thought the job of the police was to protect me from criminals, not to protect me from folks saying things I don't want to hear. But oops, I forgot! Remember, the terrorists hate us for our freedoms. If we don't destroy our freedoms before the terrorists can do so, the terrorists win! If we don't spy on our fellow Americans or shut them up when they say things we don't like, why, those nasty islamofascists will swim across the Atlantic with box cutters in their teeth and KILL US ALL!
I happened onto a "911 truth" website, and promptly found out that it was an A-3 Skywarrior ("Whale") that crashed into the Pentagon on 9/11, not a 757 airliner. This A-3 Skywarrior apparently flew off the carrior U.S.S. George Washington, which was docked in New York Harbor on 9/11.
Where to start, where to start... okay. First of all, the A-3 was retired in 1991. There are none in military service. Secondly, this is a big-ass plane. Its nick-name was "Whale", because it was the biggest plane to ever be flown off a carrier flight deck. If one of them got pulled out of retirement, rehabilitated, and put onto a carrier, someone would have noticed. I mean, we're talking *big*. The damned thing weighs 38,000 pounds *without* fuel and bombs, it's twice the size of any current jet that flies off a carrier deck, you don't hide something that big! Thirdly, flying an unmanned "drone" off the flight deck of an aircraft carrier ain't happenin', and because the A-3 has no ejection seats (and no way to retrofit any due to the cockpit design), it's unlikely that any pilot would volunteer to fly a kamakazi mission. Finally, it takes dozens of people to launch a jet plane off the deck of an aircraft carrier. You can't launch a jet plane in secret. It has to be fueled, the deck crew has to guide it to the end of the runway and hook up the catapault hooks, the operations crew has to clear a flight path... you just can't hide it, and if there was a conspiracy of this size, someone would have leaked by now.
Which brings up what Karl Rove O'Brien called the Conspiracy Theory Conspiracy. That is, that whack conspiracy theories of this sort are generated as "black ops" by U.S. intelligence agencies (See: COINTELPRO) in order to hide the fact that there are real conspiracies out there. 25% of the world's prisoners are in the United States, despite the U.S. having only 5% of the world's population. We are swiftly becoming a prison state where an astounding 10% of adult males of some minority groups are imprisoned in the American Gulag, a vast decentralized system of county jails, state prisons, and federal penitentaries that is the fastest-growing industry in America today. There are currently eight million people caught in the claws of the American Gulag. How did this happen? Who is responsible for this? Alas, if I start speculating, I am merely putting forward a "conspiracy theory" -- which, thanks to the Conspiracy Theory Conspiracy, means it's automatically discredited.
Those brave Republic Party members in the Utah Legislature have discovered that the dastardly supervillain, The Gay Agenda, is out there trying to convert our innocent little boys and girls into gay hairdressers and gay interior decorators with his mighty Gay Laser of Gayness, and have come up with a way to stop The Gay Agenda: Outlaw Gay-Straight Alliance clubs in the schools.
I'm not quite sure what that has to do with that dastardly supervillain The Gay Agenda, but anyhow. I've been looking for a picture of The Gay Agenda and not finding one. I picture him as looking like Superman, except with a "G" rather than an "S" on his chest, and a rainbow-colored cape, flying across the sky with his arms held out in front of him in the classic Superman pose. He holds his Gay Laser of Gayness between his legs while he is flying, and it looks sorta like this pic from Shakes (notice the gay ray beams coming out the end):
Now, what I'm trying to do is put together a wanted poster for The Gay Agenda. You know, something along the lines of: "Wanted: The Gay Agenda", a picture, then a detailed description of why exactly The Gay Agenda is so evil below. Let's see: shoots superheros like Superman and Batman with his Gay Laser of Gayness and turns them into hairdressers and interior decorators (hold it, Superman and Batman already wear tights, has The Gay Agenda already got them?!), caused Osama bin Laden to attack us on 9/11, you know the drill, I'll have to troll a few right-wing sites to find out what other evil The Gay Agenda has been up to. But all of it fails without that picture of The Gay Agenda. After all, how can the brave Republic Party members cowering in their homes in fear of The Gay Agenda know what they're supposed to be scared of if they don't know what The Gay Agenda looks like? Oh the horror!
-- Badtux the "I can't draw" Penguin
Flippers, folks. Flippers are LOUSY for drawin'. Just sayin', y'know?
More to follow, after I finish cursing SOB chickenhawks and get my breath back...
"Keep fighting for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don't forget to have fun doin' it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce."
-- Molly Ivins, 1944-2007
"The penalty good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men."
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