Badtux the Snarky Penguin

In a time of chimpanzees, I was a penguin.

Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Where's the party?!

As promised, my review of the "Totino's Party Pizza".

I typically shop for groceries late at night. My feeling is that the time before 9pm is too precious to use for such trivial things.

So I went shopping for the usual -- herring, tuna, noodles, you know the deal -- and they bagged my groceries and I paid for them and they put my groceries into the cart and I pushed the cart to my truck and started taking groceries out and putting them behind the seat (extended cab model). About halfway through, I pick up this bag with five square things in it... hold it, I didn't buy any square things!

So I slid the bag down and... Totino's Party Pizza? WTF? I didn't pick up any Totino's Party Pizza! I looked at my receipt to see whether I'd been charged for these things. Nope. This stuff is so bad that they're giving them away?!

Anyhow, I went home and went to sleep, and a few days later decided to try one of these things. The first warning sign was the nutrition label. Lots of fat but ... not much protein? Huh. So I popped it in the oven and cooked it until it met the requirements for being cooked, then sliced it and served.

Bleh. Just bleh. Utterly tasteless. Just lard, and lard, and lard. Apparently the "crust" of this thing is pure lard. The "pepperoni" is just a sprinkled garnish on top. The "cheese"... I don't think it qualifies to be cheese, maybe "processed cheese-lookin' pseudo-food" qualifies. Bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh.

Lesson: There ain't no party with Totino's, just bleh. Avoid. The other four "pizzas" are now officially dumped in the trash.

Note: If you want a good pizza, any of the Red Baron brands are good (Red Baron owns three different brands, from their "base" Red Baron brand which is pretty good, to their top of the line stone baked stuff sold under the Freschetta name which is darn good). Top with jalapeno of course :-). But avoid this cheap crap like the plague... saving a few pennies over the better brands just ain't worth it.

-- Badtux the Pizza-lovin' Penguin

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Posted by: BadTux / 10/16/2006 11:56:00 AM  


Yep I tried one once and the stuff on it looked and tasted like cardboard. When I was reading your post and got to the part where you found the pizzas I said, that's not going to be fun if you eat one of them. Thanks for the tip on the Red Baron's. When Mr Pop is away over night on trips, I often eat junk food just for the fun of it.
# posted by pissed off patricia : 16/10/06 12:16 PM  

I love the Totinos pizza. Probably for the same reason I love Vienna Sausages.

I've always thoguht that the "pepperoni" smelled a little like "skunk".

In fact when I pass a dead skunk on the road, I usually have to stop and pick one of those suckers up.
# posted by NewsBlog 5000 : 16/10/06 3:00 PM  

Belive it or not, there are worse pizza's than Totino's. But that is beside the point I suppose. Back in the days when I lived in Colville there was a pizza joint by the name of Jay Rob's.

Boy, the giant All American was the best. And the best crust I've even eaten was at a little joint in Kingman, Az. As I recall the name of the place was Angel's. It was right on Andy Devine boulevard.
# posted by BBC : 16/10/06 6:53 PM  

I wonder, Newsey, do they serve vienna sausage in Vienna?

- Badtux the Curious Penguin
# posted by BadTux : 16/10/06 7:56 PM  

No anchovies?
# posted by montag : 16/10/06 8:22 PM  

What in the world is someone who says he is "pizza-lovin'" doing making frozen pizza crap. Those things are an insult to pizza, they should be named pizza-like junk food.

If you don't make your own pizza's, or get your pies from a valid pizzeria, you might as well just grap a Swanson TV Dinner, the frozen pizza taste about the same, cardboard crap.

Valid Pizzerias don't include those delivery pizzas (pizza-hut, dominoes, papa johns, etc) what an insult. They don't even offer anchovies. :-P
# posted by niCk (Mem Beth) : 17/10/06 4:50 AM  

I've never been to Vienna, so I'm not sure if they eat the sausage for which they are named.

I go for real pizza sometimes. But the cost difference is 20 to 1. Also, the good places here don't deliver. I also get off on the fact that I can eat something that most people wouldn't feed to their dogs.

I also noticed that Aldi has what looks like a knock-off of the Totinos Party Pizza. I have been tempted, but some lines are not meant to be crossed.
# posted by NewsBlog 5000 : 17/10/06 5:19 AM  

nIck, obviously you have not tasted a quality frozen pizza. Please do not judge all frozen pizza by the cardboard taste of the Totino's. The Freschetta brick oven pizzas, for example, are almost as good as a real pizzaria pizza, but if caught on sale, are 1/3rd the price.

I do have a quality pizzaria in my neighborhood, and on very (VERY) special occasions purchase pizza there. But it is not something I do very often due to simple cost reasons. The difference in quality simply isn't that much compared to the best of the new frozen pizzas, and even with a coupon, they're at least twice as much as a quality frozen pizza without a coupon (and three times as much if both have a coupon).

And finally: My problem with anchovies on pizza is not the fish taste (I like fish!). It's the salt. They make the pizza too salty. Bleh. So I leave the anchovies off my pizza, and put jalapeno instead. That way it I get to experience the taste twice, one going in, one going out.

- Badtux the Waistline-expanding Penguin
# posted by BadTux : 17/10/06 8:09 AM  

You didn't really eat one of those things, did you? I mean, come on, you should know better than that. Just because they sell them in a grocery store doesn't mean you should eat them. They sell laundry detergent there, too, but if I saw you chowing down on a box of Tide, I'd have to think you were a little nuts.

As for comparing pizzas, the cheap cardboard things might keep you alive (and, so might Tide for that matter, but I'm not about to try it!), but the better pizzas are much more pleasant. Still better are the pizzas made in a real pizzaria. But, none of those even comes close to a real home made pizza. You get to put as much (or as little) of whatever you want on a home made pizza, and you can make it as healthy (or as unhealthy) as you like. I make an incredible home made pizza, made entirely from scratch. The only problem is that you have to plan ahead to get all of the ingredients, and make the dough 12 hours early or so. But, it's certainly worth it.

# posted by Anonymous : 17/10/06 11:03 AM  

This reminds me of my kid who, at eight, picked out of the deli section a package that said "Sliced American processed cheese food" and said, "Hey mom look, they have to tell you it's FOOD."
# posted by nunya : 17/10/06 3:43 PM  

I buy good ones and then dress them up more with extra cheese, mushroom, olives, etc, and the meat of my choice, usually sausage or hamburger. Then cook them the way I like them cooked.
# posted by BBC : 17/10/06 5:43 PM  

Ewwww. I agree these are gross in the extreme. I'm also with you BT on the Freschettas. Not bad at all really, especially when you need to feed the screaming heathens (a/k/a your children) after the work day has run long.
# posted by Red State Blues : 18/10/06 8:15 AM  

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