Badtux the Snarky Penguin

In a time of chimpanzees, I was a penguin.

Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


Most of the people who claim to be Christian, I believe, should actually be called "Christians" with the quotes, because they certainly don't seem interested in following the word of that Commie bastard Jesus Christ, who most famously said to a would-be follower, "go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me."

Somehow, Mark 10:21 seems to be completely ignored by these "Christians". Indeed, the latest outrage by these so-called "Christians" is just typical of the new breed of "Christian", who want a world where children are property to be used or abused as their owner (parent) wishes (man, you should hear these "Christians" rail about how CPS wants to take their children away because of their belief in beating their child black and blue for every tiny offense!), women know their place (i.e., as barefoot and pregnant chattel), and Jesus loves you but only if you let the pastor rape you. Oh, I know that most "Christian" pastors don't literally rape their congregants, but financially, morally, ethically... it is rape. It is rape all the way. You see these million-dollar-a-year TV preachers, there's just one way they got where they are: raping the innocent and the gullible (often one and the same).

Thankfully, Tuxology is immune to such a syndrome. See, Tuxologists don't have a clergy. Tuxology's ice cathedrals also double as ice-skating rinks and pay their own way, so Tuxology doesn't have building upkeep or building funds. Tuxology does have some patron saints, mostly dealing with gluttony -- for example, Chef Paul Prudhomme is the patron saint of spicy charred fish, which is one of the preferred ways to prepare herring for the Ceremony of the Herring (except amongst the Rawist schismatics, who, like the Latin-Mass Catholics, insist upon doing things the old-school way and eat their herring raw). Chef Paul also serves as a role model for good Tuxologists who are seeking their inner penguin, having the near-perfect penguin build and all. But no real "clergy" as such, unless you count the chef who prepares the herring for the congregants before the Monday night Ceremony. And he isn't paid for his services, unless perhaps the ice skating rink pays his salary as a normal food preparation professional. (And I must add that the Rawists claim this is yet another reason why their heretical schismatic sect is superior to mainstream Tuxology, because they claim that the Chef is how corruption shall enter the Church).

Furthermore, Tuxology does not have this power trip deal. As I explained elsewhere, the Great Penguin just isn't much of a kick-ass god. He mostly just sits there eating herring and letting out the occasional belch, and occasionally lays an egg that becomes a universe with a big bang a few fento-seconds later. A deity that waddles and eats herring and belches and incubates the occasional egg, well, this just isn't a deity that inspires hate-filled lunatics to rape little children and whip their wives with leather straps.

But never fear. I'm sure that the lessons of the Great Penguin shall be corrupted in the end just as the lessons of Jesus Christ were. It'll just take a few centuries, and you'll have Tuxologists, too, claiming that their faith in the Great Penguin justifies any evil that they do. Such is human nature, which is why Tuxology -- the search for one's inner penguin -- is clearly philosophically better than any religion that emphasises the "humanity" of the hairless monkeys that infest this globe. After all, what kind of animal best expresses His grace and peaceful attitude? The aggressive feces-throwing monkey? Or the graceful, rotund penguin, who spends most of his time eating herring and letting out the occasional belch? I rest my case!

-- Badtux the Tuxologist Penguin

Posted by: BadTux / 9/06/2006 09:52:00 PM  


No one believes in God anyway, or that they are God. It's a Godless planet. They have even killed Mrs. God, and are destroying her planet. Fuck it, enjoy your last days.
# posted by BBC : 7/9/06 12:45 AM  

Not to be picky (sp?), but it's femto-seconds.
# posted by Anonymous : 7/9/06 9:29 AM  

The nicest thing about Tuxology is that you're always dressed for rituals. No apses, sacristies, or garderobes.

As for herring breath, instead of fento-seconds, feena-seconds should help.
# posted by Lurch : 7/9/06 2:55 PM  

We smell a new leading contender for the prestigious 2006 Craaaziest Christian of the Year(tm) Award! Glory!
# posted by Pope Horatio Tyrannosaurus Nixon Rex : 7/9/06 3:28 PM  

Lurch, "seconds" is one of the secret holy words in Tuxologist doctrine. And thirds. And fourths. And fifths. Well, lots of fifths, actually. There's a reason why we have a 600 pound chef for one of our Holy Saints!

-- Badtux the Rotund Penguin
(okay, the not-AS-rotund as a few months ago penguin)
# posted by BadTux : 7/9/06 4:34 PM  

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