Badtux the Snarky Penguin

In a time of chimpanzees, I was a penguin.

Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


After writing the code down on the back of the map, I realized I was lost.

I was in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. How did I get here, I wondered? I pulled the map out of my pocket, but it was no use. GPS did not work in this cavern, and there was no sun to be seen, no trees for moss to grow on to show me which way was north. All the skills learned as a young woodsman in the hills and swamps of Louisiana were of no avail.

I wandered a random direction, then came upon an odd sight: an arrow on the floor. Which way, I wondered, should I go? Should I go the direction that the arrow pointed? Or should I go the opposite direction, the direction that presumably led to the entrance of this maze?

I watched fellow wanderers. More went opposite the arrow than with it. So I became the contrarian, going the opposite direction from the way the arrow pointed.

After some time, I saw another arrow. I went the opposite direction there, too. After a while of wandering from arrow to arrow, I came to an incredible sight: An escalator.

An escalator, alas, which was going the wrong direction. It was rising from some deep caverns below, at a speed which this penguin could not waddle against even if he wished.

Surely, though, I thought to myself, if there is an escalator going this direction, surely there must be other escalators elsewhere? So I started walking along the wall that the escalator came out of, and eventually came to a stairway leading down.

Should I go down? I seemed to recall coming up, at some time in the past. But that was long ago. There was a cafe' to the right of the stairwell, serving tasty Swedish meatballs. Should I perhaps eat, then go forward exploring this stairwell? The dessicated bones of fellow travelers, scattered amidst the corridors, showed the risks of avoiding sustenance. But in the end, I pressed on, down the stairwell.

More arrows. This time I was following them, it appeared. I wandered through another maze of twisty passages. To my left I saw a doorway. Above it, it said "Shortcut to self-serve furniture warehouse and exit." I walked through the doorway and was in another passage. I looked left. I looked right. There was an arrow. I followed the arrows more, until to my left again I saw another doorway with another sign, that said "To Exit". I walked through that doorway, and I was in another immense cavern filled with tasty Swedish home goods. But, looking to my left, another sign, enormous! That said, "EXIT". And an enormous door! I hurried to this door, and found myself amidst tall monsterous racks of flat-pack furniture. Consulting the code on my map, I saw that it said "Aisle 12, Bin 5". Looking up at the racks, I saw one that said it was Aisle 12. I hurried there and found the object of my mighty quest: A flat-pack coffee table, $24.95, white.

A short journey later, and a helpful clerk was checking me out. Then I was ejected into a mighty chamber filled with yet more tasteful Swedish furnishings, and another cafe'. Eschewing the thought of food, I instead followed the rest of the milling crowdd towards vast cavernous doors that, as I went through them, closed behind me with a somewhat ominous snick.

Then I felt the floor move. A few moments later, the doors opened again, and I saw the most wonderous sight of the week: the parking garage of the East Palo Alto IKEA.

And lo, two rows down, my car! Clutching the object of my quest, I swiftly waddled to it, stowed my package, and set off on my next quest.

How I escaped the IKEA parking garage, however, is a story for another day.

-- Badtux the IKEA'ed Penguin

Posted by: BadTux / 5/09/2006 10:16:00 PM  


Frankly, I stunned you escaped IKEA itself. We went for the opening in Frisco and I damned near took hostages.
# posted by Lab Kat : 10/5/06 9:15 AM  

Last time I was in an IKEA, it was LA, and somewhere around the year 1985.

Children's furniture.

Dang, kids are really hard on particle board!
# posted by SB Gypsy : 10/5/06 9:46 AM  

Darn, no IKEA here, but that's what I get for living in a technological desert. Then, again, there aren't many penguins in deserts, regardless of whether they're technological deserts or the regular kind of desert.


P.S. Well, if I can't be a penguin since I live in a desert, what am I? And, why is it that we don't have any operating systems that identify with a camel?
# posted by Anonymous : 10/5/06 10:20 AM  

Visited the new largest IKEA in England at Milton Keynes, only to browse..... I was there six hours :(
# posted by The Rakish Gentleman Thug : 10/5/06 8:34 PM  

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