Badtux the Snarky Penguin

In a time of chimpanzees, I was a penguin.

Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

If we aren't all groped, the terrorists have won!

A bunch of NYC grannies have sued the City of New York over publicity stunt searches. They whine, "What is the point of searching a bunch of grandmas going down the subway steps with their Macy's bags?", pointing out that a true terrorist would simply refuse to be searched, turn around and leave, and re-enter the subway at another entrance where people weren't being searched.

Oh poor, sick depraved grannies. Don't you get the point? If we don't allow ourselves to be randomly groped by goons, the terrorists have won! Why, every time an innocent American is groped by a goon, a terrorist huddles into a ball, whimpers "Mommy!", and dies. That's why, even though not a single terrorist has been caught by the "random" airline searches, those searches are worthwhile anyhow. Why, thousands and THOUSANDS of terrorists have just curled up into balls, whined "Mommy!" and died because of all those innocent Americans getting groped!

Given this, it is clear that we must propose a new federal-level program. Let's call it the GROPE Act. As part of our patriotic duty of being Americans, each and every American will be required to report to an office of the Department of Homeland Security on weeekly basis to be groped by off-duty airport security personnel. All women on the streets will be required to submit to a random groping by any red-blooded white Christian American in order to insure that those are actually breasts under there, not explosives. All Americans who fail to show up for their weekly groping or refuse their random groping will be put upon a Watch List of suspected terrorists and will suddenly find that their mail has all been opened before they get it, phone calls have strange clicking noises, their driver's license gets cancelled, and they can't get on a bus, train, or airplane.

It is confidently predicted that, as a result of the passage of this act, all terorrism everywhere will be forever ended because the terrorists will all whimper and die. Hey, it's as good a plan as anything *else* that's come out of the Bush Administration, isn't it? I mean, you *do* know how many terrorists have been arrested and convicted as a result of the PATRIOT Act, right? It's lots, lots, LOTS I say... like... uhm.... ZERO. I confidently predict that the GROPE Act will be just as successful at defeating terrorism!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

PS: I get Pamela Anderson first, okay?! Hey, it's the same criteria that airport screeners use, so ...

Posted by: BadTux / 8/04/2005 04:25:00 PM  


"Why, thousands and THOUSANDS of terrorists have just curled up into balls, whined "Mommy!" and died because of all those innocent Americans getting groped!" - except that before they died Bush and company claped their hands and said " I do believe in terrorist" and magically, just like Tinkerbell, the terrorists came back to life.
# posted by afarensis : 4/8/05 6:09 PM  

I really, really needed the chuckle. I love your snarkiness. It's always refreshing to find someone else unready to fall victim to the subliminal messages coming from the speakers in Starbucks and Wal-mart.
# posted by N. Mallory : 4/8/05 6:27 PM  

Why, Badtux - we can never know how many they have, being held in their secret prisons, all waiting for their secret trials, by the secret tribunals, being tortured by their secret interragators.....
# posted by SB Gypsy : 5/8/05 8:53 AM  

I think it should be the responsibility for all citizens to grope anyone who looks suspicious. And just to be safe, that person should grope them back. A society where everyone gropes is a polite society.
# posted by NewsBlog 5000 : 5/8/05 3:30 PM  

Groping to stop terrorists. Wow, what a novel idea!

Do you think it's necessary to show up for groping, weekly? That would be an awful lot of groping in a year. There would need to be a lot of off-duty airport security personnel to "handle" the traffic.
# posted by oldwhitelady : 5/8/05 9:58 PM  

Now we understand the meaning of all that pinching in Rome. Someone close to me was pinched on the bottom when she was in Rome. I thought it was rude (though she just smiled about it), but I realize now that the Italians are simply trying to weed out terrorists.

Way to go Italy!
# posted by DBK : 8/8/05 10:14 AM  

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