Badtux the Snarky Penguin

In a time of chimpanzees, I was a penguin.

Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

What to do about those pesky liberals

It's 2006. Republicans sweep all major House and Senate races. Tampering with the electronic ballot boxes that count most of the nation's votes has become so obvious that nobody other than Republican stalwarts believe there was a fair vote. The left wing of the Democratic party is irate. Millions of outraged people swarm upon Washington D.C. and threaten to bring the government of the United States to a standstill. What to do, what to do?

Well, in a traditional banana republic, that's pretty obvious: Call out the goons. Send in the troops with live bullets and have them open fire. That solves the problem, yessiree! The problem is, often governments don't survive killing tens of thousands of their own citizens. Soldiers blanche at all that bloodshed of their fellow citizens, and often end up turning around, fragging their officers, and joining the protesters. Sorta like what happened to the Shah of Iran when he ordered his troops to open fire on university students espousing the formation of an Islamic Republic. The soldiers couldn't bear shooting down their fellow Iranians like that, and eventually ended up turning around and joining the revolution, causing the Shah to have to flee barely hours before his armed forces totally melted away.

But here in the newer, better banana republic north of the Rio Grande, our brave men (and token women) at the Pentagon have a new, better way to handle these protests. No longer will live bullets be needed to clear the streets. No longer will clouds of tear gas fail to dissuade detirmined protesters. No longer will our brave Director of the Ministry of Love, Mr. Negroponte, require death squads to exterminate enemies of the Party in order to dissuade dissent. Because today... we have the Active Denial System, which will render death squads, bullets and teargas obsolete when it comes to dissuading opponents of Party rule.

This weapon works basically as a giant directed microwave oven. Unlike the famed "exploding poodle", it won't make people explode. It'll just make part of their skin very, very hot, causing them to run in the direction where their skin is NOT hot, i.e., hopefully home. Definitely the kinder, gentler way to deal with that pesky "democracy" stuff that despite the best intentions of our rulers has a bad habit of turning up at the worst time. Despite the obvious moral issues, there are some practical ones too. For example, will it cause people's eyes to explode if they look at the trucks that have the microwave dishes mounted on them? But never fear, it will not be deployed until those issues are worked out. After all, our newer, high tech banana republic can't be allowed to resemble those old-fashioned kinds of brutal banana republics, because otherwise people could not continue to delude themselves that they live in a free nation!

And so it goes in the United States of Delusion, where the Party rules America... and nobody is willing to acknowledge it.

-- Badtux the Orwellian Penguin

Posted by: BadTux / 7/20/2005 05:29:00 PM  

Comments:

Oh, crap! I was going to stock up in the pitchforks and torches, but I don't think it's enough. I guess this shows how much the govt trusts the people, huh?
# posted by oldwhitelady : 20/7/05 6:34 PM  

Your eyes won't explode, they'll just be fried - your corneas will look like an English muffin that's been in the toaster for six hours.

Oh, and you'll be sterile.
# posted by The Disgruntled Chemist : 21/7/05 8:29 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

 My Photo
Name: BadTux
Location: Some iceberg, South Pacific, Antarctica

I am a black and white and yellow multicolored penguin making his way as best he can in a world of monochromic monkeys.

Archives
April 2004 / December 2004 / January 2005 / February 2005 / March 2005 / April 2005 / May 2005 / June 2005 / July 2005 / August 2005 / September 2005 / October 2005 / November 2005 / December 2005 / January 2006 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 / May 2006 / June 2006 / July 2006 / August 2006 / September 2006 / October 2006 / November 2006 / December 2006 / January 2007 / February 2007 / March 2007 / April 2007 / May 2007 / June 2007 / July 2007 / August 2007 /


Bill Richardson: Because what America needs is a competent fat man with bad hair as President (haven't we had enough incompetent pretty faces?)

Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Terror Alert Level
Links
Honor Roll
Technorati embed?
Liberated Iraqis

"Keep fighting for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don't forget to have fun doin' it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce." -- Molly Ivins, 1944-2007 "The penalty good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men."

-- Plato

Are you a spammer? Then send mail to my spamtrack mailbox to get permenantly banned! Remember, that's iamstupid@badtux.org (hehehhe!).

More blogs about bad tux the snarky penguin.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?