Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Biting the pornographic burger

When I waddled up to the counter, I looked up at the menuboard and... (GASP!) Naked hamburgers! Unclad, there for all the world to see! Exposing their vile sexuality where innocent women and children could be exposed and ruined forever, forever I say! So of course I had to order one to see if it would try to do a Clinton on ME, an honest non-gay born-again penguin. So I asked the chunky Mexican girl behind the cash register for the "Spicy BBQ Six-Dollar Burger Combo", and after I gave her money she gave me a little number and a cup, and told me go sit and they'd bring it right out to me (gasp! Customer SERVICE! What kind of vile perversion are these people going to come up with *next*?!).

So anyhow, here's what the hamburger turned out to be. It turned out to be 1/2 pound of high quality ground beef that has more taste than a dozen McDonald's hamburger patties combined (not that this is a high standard, given that McDonald's hamburger patties are comprised of compressed cardboard and fillers), topped by FRIED ONION RINGS, with a few wilted pieces of lettuce and a couple of slices of pickle underneath and a bit of some sort of vaguely BBQ-like sauce. It was quite tasty, actually, especially the meat, which was really high quality beef and almost melted in the mouth. But it wasn't spicey as such, and was not "hot" other than temperature-wise. It isn't going to make me leave my current fave hamburger hangout, a local chain called Juicy Burger, which allows me to dress my hamburgers any way I like. The fries were okay too, but nothing special.

And no, while the hamburger was quite tasty, it didn't try to Clinton me. I must say I'm a bit disappointed, I was relishing the opportunity to smack it down and teach it some manners! But I ate every bite of it, does that make me a bad penguin?

So I guess the verdict is that Carl's Jr. promises more than they deliver, to which I can only deliver thanks to my Lord and Savior, George W. Bush, and His holy administration, for obviously they and their Holy appointed Attorney General, Abu Gonzales, have at least brought this smut perveyor to a TINY smidgeon of decency! And oh, if you're ever on the West Coast and you're really hungry, you might want to try this burger and its siblings in the Six-Dollar Burger family. It's not great, but it's definitely better than Mickey D's. Besides, eating beef is patriotic, my television tells me so ("Beef: It's what's good for you"). Surely my television would never lie to me?!

Ooops, gotta go, my IQ seems to be inching up again, time to go read FreeRepublic.com and drive it down again before I have to, like, actually think for myself (oooh, ICK!)...

-- Badtux the Newly-converted Freeper Penguin

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