Badtux the Snarky Penguin

In a time of chimpanzees, I was a penguin.

Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Time for theocracy in America!

We members of the Church of Tuxology applaud the recent moves towards imposing theocracy in America. We believe we shall be better rulers of America than, like, the People. And anybody who disagrees is a heretic and will go to Hell, Arizona, where they will be required to kneel for eternity in the Ice Cathedral while being flagellated by limp herring.

Once we Tuxologists take power, herring will be declared the national food, wearing tuxedos will be required before you will be allowed to be on the street, and all public buildings will be required to install air conditioning systems capable of cooling down their building to a nice toasty 31 degrees (Farenheit, not Celcius) so that us waddling bishops of the Church of Tuxology don't have to sweat when we survey our vast domains.

Remember, Tuxology (the science of applied herring technology) will result in whiter teeth, fresh (herring) breath, and many other advantages. Tuxology is a workable system. Evidence may be seen in the lives of millions of Tuxologists and the positive effect they create. People improve their lives through Tuxology principles. As Tuxologists in all walks of life will attest, they have enjoyed greatest success in their relationships, family life, jobs and professions. Why, many famous actors are even Tuxologists, and we have an Ice Cathedral in Hollywood itself to provide them with plenty of fresh herring and ice baths!

Ah yes, it will be SO great when we manage to finally get a Tuxologist theocracy imposed on the United States...

What? What? You say those... those... BARBARIANS who aren't even TUXOLOGISTS want to impose their OWN theocracy upon us all? The NERVE of those savages!

- Badtux the Outraged Penguin

Posted by: BadTux / 3/25/2005 09:19:00 AM  


Oy, church penquin, I could never find that link over at WH org. More over with me. Stop by and drop off some of yer tasty herring snark cookies.
# posted by The Heretik : 25/3/05 9:33 AM  

While I have deep sympathy with tuxologies program of sharp dress, energy conservation and legislation criminalizing deviation from the established belief, I do have some questions about your dietary requirements. Don't get me wrong: I am a great fan of herring. I, however, prefer it kippered, pickled or in a cream sauce. Are the rumors that I've heard that tuxology requires that I eat this fish raw, in a series of great gulps, without the aid of hands, feet or teeth, correct, or does the creed allow more leeway in the ways that it may be prepared and ingested?
# posted by Anonymous : 25/3/05 11:59 AM  

Mr Anonymous, thank you for your inquiry. Applied herring technology requires the herring to be FRESH. Not salted and dried ("kippered"), or pickled. It is permitted to eat kippered or pickled herring outside of Church services, but the Sacrament of the Herring requires fresh, raw herring or else it is sacrilige, sorta like if, for Catholic communion, you substituted strawberry shortcake instead of that flat wafer. It's not so bad, really. And we do allow it to be prepared as sashimi (Japanese-style), so it isn't as if the Sacrament of the Herring requires ingesting bones or anything like that...

I will not go further in explaining to you why the herring must be fresh. Such mysteries require initiation into the Church of Tuxology, and furthermore require that one attain an advanced level of understanding after being "cleared" of unclean thoughts via years of study and dedicated application of applied herring technology. I suggest that you go to the Church of Tuxology web site (currently down, sigh, let me get back to you with that) and take our personality test to see exactly how Tuxology can help YOU personally optimize your potential, and then once you are initiated into the Church we have a six-volume set of books, "The Basics of Tuxology", available for the low-low price of $945.95, that will take you even further in your studies towards mastery of the modern science of the human appetite.

It is NOT, however, true that it is required to eat the herring in great gulps, without the aid of hands, feet, or teeth. That is a ludicrous lie told by small-minded religious zealots of heretical faiths whose members are going to HELL (Arizona), similar to the lies they tell about Catholics such as, e.g., that Catholics worship statues. Once a Tuxologist theocracy is imposed upon America, such heretical slanders shall be outlawed, and their perpetrators flagellated to death with limp herring by the Penguin Inquisition for their heresy in defaming their waddling overlords. Fear the Penguins!

- Badtux the Inquisitorial Penguin
# posted by BadTux : 25/3/05 8:15 PM  

Mr. Penguin,
I was relieved to read that Tuxology allows its minions to feed on prepared, rather than raw, herring outside of its sacred precincts. I did, however, find cause for pause in your assurance that sashimi was an acceptable substitute for globs torn off of the fish's still flapping body. As you are only too aware, penguins lack opposable thumbs and so are incapable of filleting. Who, then, will bone the fish and cut it into strips? I found no reassurance on this question when you wrote, "their perpetrators flagellated to death with limp herring by the Penguin Inquisition for their heresy in defaming their waddling overlords. Fear the Penguins!" Unfortunately, I do not have the $995.95 to purchase your very reasonably priced introduction to tuxology. Can you indulge me and tell me, should tuxology triumph, is the human race fated to be reduced to a cadre of seafood processors?

# posted by Anonymous : 26/3/05 2:29 PM  

Good tux
Bad tux
Happy tux
Sad tux

One fish
Two fish
Red herring
# posted by DBK : 28/3/05 5:09 AM  

> As you are only too aware, penguins lack
> opposable thumbs and so are incapable of
> filleting. Who, then, will bone the fish
> and cut it into strips?
> Can you indulge me and tell me, should
> tuxology triumph, is the human race fated
> to be reduced to a cadre of seafood
> processors?

Look, it's you HUMANS who insist upon having overlords to rule you and tell you what to think and feel. Who would you prefer, good honest raw-fish-eatin' penguins, or this guy and this guy and the rest of their ilk?

Really, life as a fish processor will be a lot better than life as a Christian crusader out to conquer the world for Christ! Don't you agree?! Hey, your waddling overlords are just giving you what you want -- a meanginful life contributing to society. What, you'd prefer to be one of them crackers over there blowing the crap out of entire nations? Why do you want to be one of those violent evil people, instead of being a member of the most peaceful religion on Earth, the Religion of Digestive Health, Tuxology?

- Badtux the Tuxologist Penguin
# posted by BadTux : 28/3/05 8:07 PM  

Well, when you put it that way...
I guess I'll just get myself a new pair of nutcrackers and a filleting knife at a luchtime and rewrite my application to the Culinary Institute of America when I get home tonight.
By the way, can we watch Oprah while we work?

# posted by Anonymous : 29/3/05 2:12 AM  

But the film is a saddening bore, cause I wrote it ten times or more. It's about to be writ again, as I ask her to focus on..

Sailors, fighting in the dancehall.
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go.
It's the freakiest show.

Take a look at the lawman,
beating up the wrong guy.
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know,
he's in the best selling show.

Is there life on Mars?

So you're some kind of anarchist?
# posted by Anonymous : 30/3/05 3:10 AM  

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