Badtux the Snarky Penguin

In a time of chimpanzees, I was a penguin.

Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Bush pledges to spread Freedom(tm) everywhere

George W Bush started his second term in office today with a rousing call for Americans to help spread Freedom(tm) until "it reaches the darkest corners of our world". Dick Cheney's soul was unavailable for comment.

The Supreme Leader continued, "Freedom(tm) is the most important thing for the world today. Freedom(tm) tastes great, is less filling, and solves all BO problems forever. Freedom(tm) is good(*)." Mr. Bush pointed to his examples of bringing Freedom(tm) to Iraq and Afghanistan as an example of the good that Freedom(tm) brings to a people. "Look," he said, "Until we got there, Iraqis were sexually inhibited. Now thanks to our sex therapy clinic at Abu Ghraib, they know the joys of homoeroticism and group orgies!" He also pointed out that Freedom(tm) meant that the Afghan people were once again free to be the #1 source of opium world-wide. "Free enterprise is good," the President declared. An alarmed Karl Rove then whispered into Bush's ear, at which point the President wiped some white powder off his nose then held his hand behind his back and added, "Drugs are bad, of course."

In other news, George Orwell's grave is now being used to drive a 30 megawatt generator, thanks to new technology which allowed gluing magnets onto the coffin then surrounding the coffin with generator windings in order to harness the power of George rolling over in his grave. Said Sir John Hastypudding, the head of the project, "with all the Newspeak coming out of London and Washington D.C. nowdays, we figure we can get output up to 40 megawatts within a few fortnights."

George Orwell's estate was unavailable for comment.

- Badtux the Reporter Penguin

Freedom(tm): A magic elixir wherein the wealth of nations is looted for the benefit of a Party elite. See, also: Brezhnev, Leonid, and Communist Party, History Of.

(*) Good: Whatever increases the wealth of the Party elite. Typically involves bending over while the Party elite drives large sexual organs up one's bunghole."

Posted by: BadTux / 1/20/2005 02:42:00 PM  


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I am a black and white and yellow multicolored penguin making his way as best he can in a world of monochromic monkeys.

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"Keep fighting for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don't forget to have fun doin' it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce." -- Molly Ivins, 1944-2007 "The penalty good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men."

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