Thursday, January 20, 2005
Bush pledges to spread Freedom(tm) everywhere
George W Bush started his second term in office today with a rousing call for Americans to help spread Freedom(tm) until "it reaches the darkest corners of our world". Dick Cheney's soul was unavailable for comment.
The Supreme Leader continued, "Freedom(tm) is the most important thing for the world today. Freedom(tm) tastes great, is less filling, and solves all BO problems forever. Freedom(tm) is good(*)." Mr. Bush pointed to his examples of bringing Freedom(tm) to Iraq and Afghanistan as an example of the good that Freedom(tm) brings to a people. "Look," he said, "Until we got there, Iraqis were sexually inhibited. Now thanks to our sex therapy clinic at Abu Ghraib, they know the joys of homoeroticism and group orgies!" He also pointed out that Freedom(tm) meant that the Afghan people were once again free to be the #1 source of opium world-wide. "Free enterprise is good," the President declared. An alarmed Karl Rove then whispered into Bush's ear, at which point the President wiped some white powder off his nose then held his hand behind his back and added, "Drugs are bad, of course."
In other news, George Orwell's grave is now being used to drive a 30 megawatt generator, thanks to new technology which allowed gluing magnets onto the coffin then surrounding the coffin with generator windings in order to harness the power of George rolling over in his grave. Said Sir John Hastypudding, the head of the project, "with all the Newspeak coming out of London and Washington D.C. nowdays, we figure we can get output up to 40 megawatts within a few fortnights."
George Orwell's estate was unavailable for comment.
- Badtux the Reporter Penguin
Freedom(tm): A magic elixir wherein the wealth of nations is looted for the benefit of a Party elite. See, also: Brezhnev, Leonid, and Communist Party, History Of.
(*) Good: Whatever increases the wealth of the Party elite. Typically involves bending over while the Party elite drives large sexual organs up one's bunghole."
Posted by: BadTux / 1/20/2005 02:42:00 PM
- Name: BadTux
- Location: Some iceberg, South Pacific, Antarctica
I am a black and white and yellow multicolored penguin making his way as best he can in a world of monochromic monkeys.
View my complete profile
April 2004 / December 2004 / January 2005 / February 2005 / March 2005 / April 2005 / May 2005 / June 2005 / July 2005 / August 2005 / September 2005 / October 2005 / November 2005 / December 2005 / January 2006 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 / May 2006 / June 2006 / July 2006 / August 2006 / September 2006 / October 2006 / November 2006 / December 2006 / January 2007 / February 2007 / March 2007 / April 2007 / May 2007 / June 2007 / July 2007 / August 2007 /
Bill Richardson: Because what America needs is a competent fat man with bad hair as President (haven't we had enough incompetent pretty faces?)
Cost of the War in Iraq